Saying Goodbye Or Starting Over Again

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I wonder what I would tell you before we parted again. Would I just tell you goodbye again and watch you walk away as I seethed in pits of bitter unrequited love, or would I open the faucet and let those years of pent up feelings flow?

I’ve never learned to say goodbye to you because you linger on in all of my moments. Even in the months we didn’t speak, as my eyes opened in the morning felt your presence and at night you crept into the crevices of my dreams. Could you believe that you still hold a special place in my heart after so long?

In the time when I finally decided it was time to forget you, I began to search for fragments of your being in my potential mates. I knew was impossible to recreate something that felt so perfect, so I tried to redefine perfection. I tried once and failed horribly. I tried again and failed even more.

As I turn back to you and immerse myself in your warm glow, I wonder if I’m turning back to you just because I’m scared about those failures.  I have decided it isn’t fear that has pushed me back to you, but the need for a second chance to look at us again with mature eyes.

You were the first person who pulled me off the shelf and read my story. You pushed me further and asked me questions, helping me discover myself. I can argue, as corny as it sounds, it wasn’t just a simple romantic connection, but a spiritual one that had occurred when you first walked through that door. You strived, in your simple way, to lift me from my trenches and show me it meant to feel cared for. You strengthened me, cherished me, and shaped me into a better person. It was when I met you that I learned what it was to smile, laugh, and love and actually mean it. You became my companion.

You also shattered me. After you left, I singlehandedly picked up the shards of my wounded self. I was restored to my previous state, but now with the knowledge of how it felt to be cared for. That newly formed dimension was now barren, and I did not know how to cope.  I became distrustful, vowing to never rely on one person again. But I also learned to care for myself, and I grew up stronger and more independent.

Now I look at you and wonder if we can start our relationship again, or if I should just say goodbye and let you slip from my hands again? It isn’t wise to cling to past when making decisions, but you should hold the past in some consideration. Look it over with mature eyes to determine if the person can be forgiven, and think about your motives behind rekindling old relationships. If it’s just a desperate act of feel loved by a familiar face, sometimes it may be better to just say goodbye.  Listen to yourself first, and consider your friends’ warning second. Only you know what you felt and what you still feel. TC Mark

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