‘Talk dirty to me’ is a scary sentence, it puts on the pressure. Now, not only do I have to make sure my stomach looks flat while I’m naked, I’m making all the appropriate ‘turned on’ noises and my hair isn’t getting stuck to my lipgloss but I also have to become a creatively dirty story teller. Am I telling you what I’m going to do you to? What you should do to me? Am I narrating what’s happening or coming up with an elaborate ‘here’s what SHOULD be happening’ scenario?
Forget about that. Let’s talk about a few things I find sexier than dirty talk. It encompasses things that both I and you can do just in case talking dirty isn’t your strong suit either.
1. Bringing food
Mmmm food. Who doesn’t love food? Add in the element of sex and I think we’ve got a winner winner chicken dinner. Mmmm chicken. This is not one of those weird articles that tells you to introduce frozen grapes into the sexual equation. No. What I’m saying is to figure out if your partner likes to chow down before or after you get it on and use that to your advantage. Before? Pick up some wings on your way to a booty call. After? Seductively whisper in their ear while you’re getting it on “Let me quickly order a pizza so it’ll be here by the time we’re done.” Mmmm pizza.
2. Making sure the dog is otherwise occupied
Hey, you know what’s not sexy? Being on top of someone, looking up and seeing two beady black eyes judging you from the edge of the bed. You yell scram and Fido takes off….for five minutes. Then he’s back with a vengeance and maybe this time he sets up shop on a pillow near your heads… or feet. Figure out a way to distract him without simply picking him up and tossing him out of the bedroom. Maybe one of those things that you stuff with peanut butter? Face it, the dog is your partner’s little buddy and gently pointing it in another direction so you can continue to bang their owner is sexy.
3. Talking sporty
If you’re in any way, shape or form like me, you could honestly care less about sports. Which makes it really weird that sports talk kind of turns us on. Still with me? Cool. I don’t know what it is but hearing a guy wax on about last night’s big plays is way hotter than hearing a play by play of what he’d like to occur tonight. ‘Talk sporty to me’ might become my new thing.
4. Turning up the heat
No seriously, I’m friggin’ cold. And if I’m cold, I’m more likely to be piling on the clothes rather than taking them off. Think about it.
5. Complimenting hair
I’m pretty much always convinced that no matter how many days it’s been since I combed my hair it looks like the beachy goddess hair of a Victoria’s Secret angel. If you were to reaffirm this belief while my hair is most likely taking on a certain ‘pillow smushed’ quality to it, let’s just say that I’d be immediately turned on a likely to repay in kind. Kind sex. *zing*
6. Bare feet
After reading that Robert De Niro probably likes to keep his socks on during sex, I was hit with this little nugget of information: If you’re going to keep those bad boys on, you might as well keep the rest of your outfit on as well. Feeling your bare feet brush against mine under the covers? Sexy. Picturing a European uncle at a barbeque with patterned shorts, socks and sandals? Intensely unsexy.
7. Putting on a movie
Being under a sexy naked guy is a great thing. Hearing Johnny Depp’s sultry voice in the background? I think we just kicked it into overdrive. Shhhhhhhh, no need to say anything. Just let Mark Wahlberg’s deep voice lull me into a state of verbal ecstasy. Better yet, let’s put on that interview with Bradley Cooper where he speaks French. Unless you speak French. Than feel free to do all the dirty talking you want in French. It won’t even make me uncomfortable. And I’ll just keep saying ‘oui’.