To My Future Boyfriend, From the Girl Who’s Always Been Alone

I honestly don’t know where to begin, but if you are reading this then you are my boyfriend.

You were a surprise honestly, because I have reached the point in my life where I was starting to believe that love isn’t for me. I’ve pushed so many people away, I’m too guarded, too independent and the thought of being someone’s “partner” didn’t sit well with me.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve done and said things to myself that will make anyone take a few steps back. I’ve played with fire in the deepest parts of hell and there’s still a little bit of brimstone left in me. I’ve pulled and plucked at the outer most layers of my skin and cursed at my reflection.

All of my life I’ve been alone and I’ve gotten too comfortable with my independence. The thought of suddenly sharing my life with someone is both terrifying and a delicious thrill, but I want to warn you that the former will be made known most often.

My independence is more than just a character trait; it’s a way of life. I am guarded and there are certain details about my life that I don’t want to share with you at the drop of a hat. This will most likely annoy you and make you feel like I don’t want to share my life with you. Please be patient. Eventually I’ll let those walls crumble down around me and I’ll let you pick up the pieces.

Affection and intimacy will seem more of a hurdle than a pleasure at first. Please remember that I’m not used to people wanting to touch me or admitting they love someone like me, but I want you to know that I do love you. I’m just having difficulty reciprocating.

I can be a little weird. A lifetime of loneliness will do that to you. I also can be selfish and inconsiderate and a bit scatterbrained, but I want you to speak up when you feel like I’m forgetting about you, I know relationships require two people but sometimes I will forget that.

I know communication is important, which is why it’s crucial that we do a lot of it. Relationships are new to me and I want to get this right. I don’t want you to regret the decision of sharing your life with me.

There will be times where I want to be alone, so let me have my space. All the love and affection and attention from you will be so overwhelming that I will have to take a step back to let it all sink in. I don’t hate you and I’m not ignoring you, but I just need this little alone time for myself so the moments with you are more appreciated.

Sex will take awhile, but I am excited to experience it. I am human after all. But I want us to take our time because it’s not the enemy here. I want you to know that while sharing my body with you in the most intimate way is a little scary to think about, I know I will enjoy every second of it with you.

I’m sure you know by now that this isn’t going to be easy. I’m scared and you’re worried and probably regretting this by now, but I want you know it’s going to fine. We will fight, we will have our lows and probably say things we don’t mean, but it’s part of the process and I’m ready to go through all of the good and bad with you.

At the end of the day, I want you to know that I love you. I can’t wait to figure out all of the things that make you happy and all of your quirks and habits. I can’t wait to be there by your side during the moments of your proudest achievements. I can’t wait to be the person who you call in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep or when you are stressed about work or family. I can’t wait to be the person who you call your confidante and your better half. The moments that lie before us are just beginning.

I can’t wait to spend this part of my life with you.