When I am under my depression’s control I used to tell myself that all the time. “I want to die.” But now, as a 19-year-old girl, who believes she almost won this unceasing battle, I still catch myself saying this from time to time. “I want to die.” But why? I’m scared of death. I get scared of situations in which I believe I could die, such as the end of the world. I am terrified for when it is my time to leave this world. So why do I still catch myself saying “I want to die.”
This troubled me so I just thought, what does death mean? I forgot the technical terms of death and though of what it actually meant to me. This is what I came up with: To die means to leave your troubles. To die is to move on from this life, and have the adventure I have always wanted. Most importantly death means to no longer feel life’s pain. The definition that I came up with makes death sound ideal.
I asked myself, why couldn’t I just say I want to disappear. It is after all what I am really trying to say. “To say I want to die” is extreme. But then I realized being extreme is the only way to get the message across.
I want to compare it to self-defense. I have always been told when someone grabs me I do not yell “rape” or “help.” No one will look if a person is yelling these things. I need to yell “fire,” because only then will people look. Why, isn’t saying fire a little extreme? The reason is fire does not only just affect me but everyone near me.
Now during the times I used to go through extreme depression I did tell people “I want to disappear,” “Something is wrong with me,” and “I need to talk to a therapist.” Even when I said all of these things no one help. Not my friends, or family. And there was no teacher I felt like I could trust.
I finally came to the point in which I said to my mother “I want to die.” She then paid attention. After I told my closest friends what was on my mind and they soon paid attention as well. And when I found myself staring at a knife a little to long, it is when I started to pay attention. But why did I have to go to the extreme for people including myself to start paying attention.
I believe just like saying the word “fire,” I wanting to die will affect others. They may care about me, but me killing myself will make others feel guilt, sadness, bitterness, hatred, and ultimately how they see the world. It would simply affect them just as much as a “fire” would.
Now on Sunday evening I am trying to understand this. Why I as well as many people wait to help, or get help when it gets extreme? Why wait until it harms us?
Sadly I do not have the answer. The only answer I have is why was a girl who was scared of death, thinks (in a great while) “I want to die?” This is what I found. By me being extreme is the only way I can see that I need to do something, in order not to fall back in hell’s pit.
If you could relate to any of the things I said on here just remember you are not alone. If you think you are being extreme, then realize it and understand it. Don’t be your worst enemy; learn to trust yourself more and more each day. “To live would be an awfully big adventure,” but I promise it will be fantastic if you choose.
If you don’t understand depression, then that is okay, but please do not look down on others because you never felt what they have felt. Instead be ally and recognize when someone needs help before it gets extreme.
Remember no one can help other as well as you can and no one can help yourself as well as you can.