I Am Falling For The Last Time

The vast majority of people I know don’t believe in true love. I chose to think differently because I had the fortune to experiment it when I was barely a teenager. It didn’t last as long as I intented, but when I had it, I believed God has great plans for all of us. I remember the first day I came to work, it seems like if it was yesterday, I didn’t know anyone and I felt a little shy about myself. 

As the days went by, I began to meet new people; among them was this guy that caught my sight immediately. I felt something strong, beyond appearances; he had this “something” that up to this day I can’t explain. I remember the first time he asked my name. I felt so nervous when I told him and even more nervous when we began to talk since I had this unexplainable feeling in my throat and all over my chest that I hadn’t felt in a long time. 

We clicked and became friends instantly; we used to talk almost for every hour throughout the day before we went to sleep. The thought of him made me smile every time. I tried to convince myself that it was impossible for us to become something more… never have I been so wrong.

Our first date was unbelievable; to start with, he was late and made me wait for him over an hour until he picked me up. We laughed in his car and as we were joking, our fingers slightly began to touch each other and before I could realize what was happening, his lips were pressed against mine. His tenderness made me feel like if I was learning to kiss for the first time. I felt the softness of that kiss, yet I could feel the taste of his mouth. Our first date was filled with laughter and amazing memories, as the minutes passed by and we were back in his car, he promised me something that up to this day I will never forget “I’ll give you the best kiss of your life”, I giggled and thought we was an optimistic and a dreamer. No one has ever kissed me like he did and maybe I’m foolish for admitting this, but I doubt someone can cause my body to tremble with a single kiss and a whisper like he did.

As we got closer, this deep and burning feeling I had felt before, was taking over my whole being and so, I decided to soak my love and cherish every moment we spent together. Despite the short period we had been together, I was certain I wanted to fall in love with him unconditionally, to fall in love once again…to fall for the last time in my life.

Falling for him was easier than what I expected, I lingered in every single word he ever said to me, and with every breath I took, my feelings became stronger and I was this naive child trapped in a world of fantasy were everything was perfect. However I was in the happiest place I could have ever been because I felt I belonged next to him and that he will be always present by my side. I knew that he could feel me somehow…naturally, we began struggling like any other couple would, however the harder it became to be together; the more I wanted to be with him. I felt the need to show him how special I was, I had so much to offer and I wanted him to be that special someone in my life, I wanted to make him happy as long as I could and as long as he allowed me to.

Loving him was an indescribable experience, there’s no way I can put into words what he made me feel then and what I still feel for him today. I looked over the pain that we caused each other, the mistakes we both made, because naively I believed with all my heart that he truly forgave me when I did wrong and so I had to do the same for him. All for holding onto the idea, that after getting over all this trouble, we will finally be meant to be together. A friend once made me realize that love is like an old tree, it has scars of all the battles it faced throughout time and still, that same tree will be standing complete despite all the pain, just to prove that it deserved to be in that place. Sometime I reject the idea that I was along in this battle, but sometimes…just sometimes I feel I was the only one who wanted this seed to become into a tree, despite of the harm that we put it through since the beginning..

I gave him a piece of my heart I know I will never get back; I gave up a part of my essence to blend it with his, in order to become one. I poured my happiness and dreams with someone whom I loved deeply but I was too selfish to ask the same in return. I now understand why the vast majority doesn’t believe in true love, but I refuse to accept that’s the way life works. Even if we wanted different things and we are no longer together for foolish reasons, I won’t say he hurt me, because I was the one who allowed me to feel all the pain, but if I can say anything at all to him, this is what I would say:

Thank you for showing me that nothing is more important than redemption itself, even though I care only for the sole truth.

Thank you for showing me to be tolerant and respectful towards others opinions.

Thank you for showing me that the meaning of commitment is implied regardless of the way we want to name it.

Thank you for reminding me that I am an amazing woman, that I have a voice and determination and most importantly, that I must not settle for less than what I deserve in this life.

Thank you for reminding me to be courageous and to fight for what I believe in. 

Thank you for reminding me the strong person I once was before and for reaffirming that nobody has the right to condemn another one. 

Thank you for showing me that I could love again.

No day goes by without me thinking how you are doing; wondering what makes you smile or just the feeling of losing my sight within your eyes. I learned the hard way, that no matter how hard I tried to fix this relationship we never got to build, it was going to take us forever…but forever I knew I was willing to work in order to for us to be happy.
I miss everything about you, your voice, your smile, your laugh, your smell, your touch. I miss you.

I regret all the mistakes and the pain we lived, but never in my life will I regret living an adventure that taught me so much, good or bad, along your side, at the end we can’t go back in time but we can start over and create new memories for posterity. I pray to God to give me the patience I need to accept and to overcome these hard times, and I pray for you to find the girl of your dreams, the girl that will make you happy for the rest of your life.

As I’m writing these sentences, I’m pouring my tears and soul within each word, so a print of my heart goes away with this letter. As long as I have these feelings for you, won’t make sense to keep them to myself. I’m in love with you.

A while ago, you asked me to finish your story; today I’m finishing your chapter. TC mark

image – atkinson000

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