Single White Female Seeks Anything Breathing And/Or Still Warm

Single white female seeks anything breathing, or still warm.

Standards required are as follows:

In no particular order, negotiable, and/or forgettable altogether.

1. Funny, but no teasing

No one needs to see an ugly crier*.

*That’s me.

2. Warm

Just be a nice person. If you are unable to do so, just maintain your body temp through homeostasis.

3. Calm

As someone who has never experienced life without some constant level of anxiety, I need someone who has their stuff together. At least a little. Think, someone who remembers to roll their windows up BEFORE going through the car wash. No, it’s not the same thing as taking a shower.

4. Hygienic

The previous standard led beautifully into this one. If cats follow you around, no need to apply. If even cats won’t follow you around, I will forward you some water through the mail.

5. Cooks

I rarely ever cook because I am not always able schedule in enough time to to cry after I have inevitably messed up my meal. No one needs tears in their mashed potatoes. Also, with the smoke detector in my kitchen being broken, abstaining from cooking is a personal service to my community really.

6. Human person

If my mother signs me up for one more dating website or app, I’m picking up my passport from the safe deposit box at the bank and leaving. I love my mom (when I am mad at her, I use the word “mother”) and want to make her happy. She’s just about to give up on me. Or disown me. Whichever is more convenient when the time is right.

Signed,

I’m not sure that I want children of my own. However, I don’t want to wake up one day, 40, with my eggs so unused (no takers) and rotten that little kids are throwing them at cars. Think of my mother, respond in kind.

About the author
Aspiring comedy writer, it's okay, you can laugh. Follow Betsy on Instagram or read more articles from Betsy on Thought Catalog.

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