If Infomercials Were Honest…

Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”

Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am.  You have nothing to do tomorrow.

Announcer: “Well, we know exactly what you need to make your life easier.”

Honesty: We have no idea what you need. We’re just taking a shot in the dark here. Nobody in real life truly needs this. Nobody.

Announcer: “You need this millisecond chopper. Why waste time blinking, when you could be chopping?”

Keeping it real: You still need to blink.

Announcer: “Do you have dull knives? Are your knife skills that of a 3rd grader? Did you just go to the emergency room last month to have your index finger reattached?”

Sorry: You’re a sad person.

Announcer: “This chopper will do it all! Peppers, chopped. Onions, diced. Your daughter’s gerbil, Sprinkles, you couldn’t find? God, we hope not.”

Just being frank: She would never forgive you.

Announcer: “That onion smell that makes you weep harder than when the old couple dies in the Notebook? Gone! The millisecond chopper keeps everything inside.”

We’re just blunt people: You’re really a weak person, too. We know you don’t keep it all inside. We’ve seen you watch This is Us.

Announcer: “If you call right now, we will include a second millisecond chopper.”

We know you: We don’t know why we’re including another one.  It’s not like you’ll be having anybody over anytime soon.

Announcer: “Also, if you call right now, you will get both millisecond choppers for 19.95. You can pay with a credit card, debit card, or check.”

Be serious: Please just pay with a credit card. No one uses checks anymore. This is not 1985. The Golden girls are no longer on primetime. 3 out of the 4 are dead. Betty White’s only alive because she is immortal.

Announcer: “Hurry!  You can’t get the millisecond chopper in stores.”

Just facts: We know you haven’t left the house since last Tuesday anyway.  You should though.  Sprinkles is laying stomach side up on the counter, moaning from hunger.  He’s got 2 hours left tops before he opens the door to the gerbil cage in the sky.

About the author

Aspiring comedy writer, it's okay, you can laugh.

Follow Betsy on Instagram or read more articles from Betsy on Thought Catalog. Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page.