If Infomercials Were Honest…
By Betsy Holt
Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”
Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am. You have nothing to do tomorrow.
Announcer: “Well, we know exactly what you need to make your life easier.”
Honesty: We have no idea what you need. We’re just taking a shot in the dark here. Nobody in real life truly needs this. Nobody.
Announcer: “You need this millisecond chopper. Why waste time blinking, when you could be chopping?”
Keeping it real: You still need to blink.
Announcer: “Do you have dull knives? Are your knife skills that of a 3rd grader? Did you just go to the emergency room last month to have your index finger reattached?”
Sorry: You’re a sad person.
Announcer: “This chopper will do it all! Peppers, chopped. Onions, diced. Your daughter’s gerbil, Sprinkles, you couldn’t find? God, we hope not.”
Just being frank: She would never forgive you.
Announcer: “That onion smell that makes you weep harder than when the old couple dies in the Notebook? Gone! The millisecond chopper keeps everything inside.”
We’re just blunt people: You’re really a weak person, too. We know you don’t keep it all inside. We’ve seen you watch This is Us.
Announcer: “If you call right now, we will include a second millisecond chopper.”
We know you: We don’t know why we’re including another one. It’s not like you’ll be having anybody over anytime soon.
Announcer: “Also, if you call right now, you will get both millisecond choppers for 19.95. You can pay with a credit card, debit card, or check.”
Be serious: Please just pay with a credit card. No one uses checks anymore. This is not 1985. The Golden girls are no longer on primetime. 3 out of the 4 are dead. Betty White’s only alive because she is immortal.
Announcer: “Hurry! You can’t get the millisecond chopper in stores.”
Just facts: We know you haven’t left the house since last Tuesday anyway. You should though. Sprinkles is laying stomach side up on the counter, moaning from hunger. He’s got 2 hours left tops before he opens the door to the gerbil cage in the sky.