A Short List Of Broken Voicemails You Definitely Don’t Want To Get

1. *At 4:05*”…the bomb is hidden in the…it’s set to go off at 4:07.”-click-

2. *From the dog sitter*”…I don’t know what happened, but after we got home from the park, he threw up in your…he just kept going at it…-click-

3. *From a soon to be ex* “I’m sorry, it’s just not working out, you’re the…I don’t know how to say this but, I think the reason is…I hope you take care.-click-

4. *From family* “We need you to pick up memaw from the airport…her flight comes in at…you’ll have to be quick…she’s on some new medication…she’s disoriented most of the time…tread lightly.”-click-

5. *Raspy voice* “I have your grandmother, come to….with $5,000.”-click

6. *15 min. later**Same raspy voice*”Never mind.  You can have her.  She is the most….I have ever seen.  Keep your money.”-click-

7. *Disoriented voice* “Hi pumpkin.  Just wondering if you are going to come get me.  I’m at…well, I don’t really know how to tell you where I am…let me ask this nice looking young man…”-click-

8. “Ma’am, it’s officer Smith.  We have your grandmother.  *”Memaw!” is shouted from the background.*  She tried taking out 4 of our guys and was successful with two of them.  She was so kind at first, but then…if you could come pick her up at…she will be detained until further notice.”-click-

9. *Disoriented voice* Hi pumpkin.  It appears that the house is on fire.  I was making some beans and then…well you know how I am.”-click-

10. “Hey girl!  Guess what?  I’m in the Cash cab and I need your answer to this question.  I’m on my second strike and I will be thrown out if you don’t know it.  In 1594..he could have ended the war…who was it?…okay 10 seco…5seconds…girl please pick up I’m about to be thrown ou…-click-

11. “Hey this is Robert from down at Happy Panda.  I don’t know how this happened, but it seems as though a roach somehow got into one of our rice trays.  I was just calling to confirm that you didn’t happen to get an order out of that particular tray.  Any orders taken between…and…and maybe…would have been contaminated.  Have a good day.”-click-

Aspiring comedy writer, it’s okay, you can laugh.

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