23 Hilariously Bad Fortune Cookie Experiences

1. “Hey, you CAN read.  If you are literate, you must not have read the health food score report posted right by the front door.”

2. “Don’t forget to review us on Yelp.”

3. “You can’t have everything.  Including a magical fortune.  Don’t be greedy.”

4. “Whatever you are wishing for in your head right now, the answer is no, bubalah.”

5. “There’s only one you.  …Thank goodness, you kinda (really) stink.”

6. “Even your mom doesn’t like you.”

7. “You have something in your teeth.  A little over, oh, it’s just your tooth.”

8. “You should’ve grabbed a mint out of the bowl instead of a fortune cookie.  Whew.”

9.*Cracks open cookie*: [Blank paper inside, be creative and make your own fortune]

10. *Cracks open cookie*: [No paper at all, “green” version that saves paper]

11.*Opens cellophane*: No cookie at all in package.  What is a fortune?  It varies from person to person.  Fortunes are just an ~IlLuSiOn~ of the mind.

12. “What am I, your personal genie?  Hands off, Aladdin.”

13. “Someone’s staring at you.  Look closer…closer.  Oh yeah, it’s you looking back at yourself in the plastic, loser.”

14. “I’m not gluten free.  Are you kidding?  I’m a fortune cookie, not a Lara Bar.”

15. “If you are relying on me for advice, you have already lost in life.”

16. “It’s all downhill from here.  Also, there’s a downwind draft from the sewage plant.  You’re welcome.”

17. “Got the single order again, I see.”

18.”Voucher for 20% off a Match.com subscription”

19. “Your future’s as rich as a McDonald’s ice cream machine-broke.”

20. “You will be going on a trip…from away from me I hope.  This is getting weird.”

21. “You’re gonna blink.  Called it.”

22. “You will breathe in 3…2…1.  See, I’m a genius.”

23. “You will have food poisoning in T-minus 1 hour.  Countdown’s on homie.”

Aspiring comedy writer, it’s okay, you can laugh.

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