When I wake up in the morning, my iPhone 7 (yes, 7—times are hard) is the first thing I reach for.
Start choking and get up to get a drink. Interpret this how you like.
It’s 5 on a Saturday night. You have spent all day in front of Netflix and no time in front of a mirror. Your hair looks like Bernie Sanders’ mid-speech and it is unclear if you were in a fight or if your makeup is just smeared from the night(s) before.
I’m sorry for the times I left you out in the car. Especially in the summer.
Are you someone who waits until the last minute each year to figure out what to dress up as for Halloween?
Even though no one asked me, welcome to my TED talk.
Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”
Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am. You have nothing to do tomorrow.
Just be a nice person. If you are unable to do so, just maintain your body temp through homeostasis.