7 Guys I’ve Encountered Online And How I Judged Them Based On Their Bios

1. The guy whose first and last attribute says he likes it when his dates at least pretend to reach for the check:

He’s got a “getting lucky” playlist in which Ginuwine’s “Pony” loops three times because 12 minutes is all you’ll ever get.

2.  The guy who manages a Dunkin’ Donuts and says he’s looking for a woman to keep him grounded:

He’s got a seven-color LED strip under his Chevy Malibu, which you can find parked in his parents’ driveway, and recently shared a Facebook post in which Jesus battles Satan for a GOP House majority seat.

3.  The guy who works in finance and leads with being 100% single:

He’s had a Shake Weight on his desk since 2010 and still doesn’t realize that the #like4like’s he leaves all over Instagram porn bots are public. Also, that’s probably not water he’s drinking.

4.  The guy who describes himself as a little quiet at first, but outgoing once you get to know him:

He’s got a deviated septum you’ll think nothing of until you walk in on his Ivy League friends doing lines at a fundraiser for inner-city kids.

5.  The guy who names David McCullough as his hero:

He dresses exclusively in tweed vests that smell like sneezes and programmed his email signature to read, “Warm regards.”

6. The guy who says he likes it when his dates text him the next day to say they had a good time:

He’s the only person at his office to use a stability ball instead of a chair and is known to make long, unsolicited eye contact as he bounces from desk to desk.

7.  The “former Obama White House adviser” who left the rest of his bio blank, aside from two photos with his very famous advisee:

Oh yes, he can.