1. I have lived (yes, without sex it is possible)
Here are some of the things I was doing while not having sex: traveling, dating, writing, living abroad, hiking, more travelling, getting an honours education, running, volunteering as a facilitator, taking additional post-grad courses, and much more. I am determined, perseverant and it has been an incredibly busy journey to 24. It’s meant that I have spent a great deal of time living where HIV/AIDs is so prevalent that sex is out of the question, it has also meant that I have built up a life with great friends, an incredible job and a beautiful city to call home. My point is, I’m not sitting around feeling like I’ve missed out. I have not been spending my days lying in my bed alone tearful over my virginity; I am living BIG.
2. This isn’t forever
That doesn’t mean I don’t want sex. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but it is not what I am. It also does not mean that my lack of sexual experience in my first twenty-four years of life has made me a sexual pariah. I am not doomed to perpetual virginity, nor do I feel stuck in it. Instead, I have made an intentional choice to be here now. Yes, it was a choice, trust me I have had many opportunities and offers I chose to say no thank you.
3. Guys my age aren’t for me
This is a generalization, but in general, the 24-year-old men that I meet don’t get it. They are usually cool with the fact that I’m a virgin, but the underlying, much greater issue is that there are many other things they do not seem to comprehend. For the most part, they aren’t ready for a relationship that is both sexually and romantically intimate. In fact, I have shared more intimate moments confessing fear on a paper. I think tinder has stunted their emotional intelligence.
4. My worth is not who I’m with
I have spent many years learning how to value myself the way I value others: for my inherent worth. I have made it to this beautiful self-loving place and I’m not going to let anything prevent me from staying here. I am not a somebody just because I’m with someone. I don’t need a partner to complete me. Whenever I have told someone that I’m a virgin the first reaction is usually along the lines of: what’s wrong with you? This thinking is so flawed and misogynistic. Evidently, because a man has not physically inserted himself into my body I am an undesirable; there must be something about me that is inherently flawed. Please.
5. Bed bugs are gross
I don’t just want anyone spewing their bodily fluids into one of my orifices. Just because I danced with you at the bar, or even made out with you at the bar, does not mean that I want to rub my body in your sheets, or have you ejaculate inside of me. I am not judgemental of people who have casual sex, if you’re comfortable with it and there’s consent then get at it like rabbits. But it’s not for me. I prefer to share bodily fluids with people I know, trust, and love.
6. I feel sexy
Despite the fact that I have not had sex, I feel sexy. Shocker right? Despite what many of you may think a 24 year old virgin leaves her house goes out in the evenings, has nights on the town, goes on dates, feels infatuation, gets turned on and looks damn good. We walk among you.
7. I never settle
Mediocrity is not my cup of tea. I prefer perfectly steeped matcha with a hint of honey and frothed milk. Really though, I have worked hard my entire life to push myself past boundaries, beyond the limits that I thought I could achieve, and I don’t understand why dating should be any different. I have met many many nice guys, and many good looking guys but that’s just not enough. I have been waiting and will continue to wait until I meet someone and it feels right.
8. Loving takes time
I have struggled with an eating disorder for many years, and the reality is I haven’t always felt comfortable in my own skin, let alone in the presence of someone else’s skin. Learning to love my body has been an ongoing process, and it has meant that I have often prioritized loving myself over loving someone else. It also means that I have been reserved in giving myself fully to someone. It takes time for me to get to know someone and feel comfortable with them, and it seems none of the men I have dated have had enough time, which I perceive to be their loss.
9. I have a brain, too!
The fixation that others have on my virginity and sex life disturbs me. Despite what men have led me to believe throughout my years, I am more than my body. Women have always been defined and confined by their bodies. I want ownership over mine. I don’t want to be someone’s plaything, ever. I am so much more than that.
10. I’ve made choices for me, not for anyone else
What perhaps irks me more is the interest relative strangers have in my sex life, and why they are so determined I have sex. This is my body and I will not allow society, the media, or someone I’m dating to tell me what I should or should not do with it. Having sex is not a should or should not matter. It is an individual choice and I have made mine. The fact that anyone else thinks they have a right to influence my body and who is inside of it makes me sick and I would ask them to please spread their shame elsewhere.