This Is How You Will Fuck Up Your Life, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Aries
Hmm, Aries, huh? Aries are known for rushing through shit, trying to get done the fastest because they are the first sign. You will probably end up rushing through life, and totally miss anything relevant happening along the way. You’ll find yourself gasping on your deathbed, realizing that you never actually accomplished anything because you too damn busy getting to the destination.
Taurus
Your stubbornness is totally gonna do you in. You’re going to pass up the perfect partner for some totally trivial reason. Like, you’ll be ready to say your wedding vows and then realize they have an annoying way of chewing food and then you totally leave them at the altar. You will then enjoy several years of intense, hot sex on the road with dozens of partners before the triviality of your life truly sets in and you just sleep the rest of your life away in some remote cave with a lazy boy chair.
Gemini
Gemini are the “twins” which represents how erratic that thus zodiac type is. In all likelihood, your split personality is going to cause you to lose your marbles and become addicted to Xanax and then get thrown in the slammer for bribing your doctor for your next fix.
Cancer
You are going to spend your whole life moaning to people you don’t know about how things should have turned out better. Then, after you are completely alone, you will max out your credit cards trying to replace human contact with material possessions — and it won’t work.
Leo
You are lazy. You are super lazy. You basically sleep almost all the time. You’re probably going to fall asleep after reading this, and just never wake up.
Virgo
You will, ultimately, end up being a workaholic. You will end up being one of those stereotypical Lifetime Movie Network parents who miss their children’s entire life working 7am – 10pm in the office seven days a week.
Libra
You will end up losing sight of your dream by trying to make everyone else happy and helping them achieve their dreams. You will end up quitting your high-paying job to help your best friend start up some small buisness destined to fail, and you will fail right along with them.
Scorpio
You will get mauled by a tiger trying to “discover yourself” in some tropical jungle before you accomplish anything of note.
Sagittarius
You will get 100% fucked over by some buisness partner who takes advantage of your trusting nature. The moment you are on the cusp of success, he will empty your joint bank accounts and book it off to The Dominican Republic. You will be move under and Overpass.
Capricorn
You will disappoint your lover in bed one too many times, and they will leave with their “other” lover with all the money you earned from your steady hard work. You will live the rest of your live as a fry-cook at some fast food restaurant, earning just enough money to get by.
Aquarius
Emotionally distant, you will isolate all your friends with your cold-calculating nature, until, eventually, you decide it is just better to stay at home alone forever and play online blackjack.
Pisces
You will never actually make a real decision, and just dither away your life until your partner leaves, your boss fires you, and you’re still dithering.