I waited for you, for longer than I care to admit. My feelings for you were wildfire and my desert was without rain. I fell for you almost instantly, you were charming and charismatic. An electric type of man, the one that made other men insecure and women practically fell at your feet. You loved to be adored and admired, to be the center of your lover’s attention. That’s what you always wanted, and I like to give people I like everything I can so they have all they need. A foundation of life, of love and abundance.
You told me in little ways that I was special. Because you would let me in, something that’s hard for you. Vulnerability. I admit it wasn’t always easy for me either, but I tried and I gave you honesty when you took me for granted. Repeatedly, over and over. Without so many apologies, never once did you even buy me flowers. But I was your baby — at least you told me so at night. And while I grew angry at your lack of commitment or care, you found other girls to love.
But I still cared. After everything, I still wanted you.
That was the fucked up part. I could get over abuse. I could move past sexual shame and addictions to numb my pain.
But when I thought about you, my heart still felt the same.
I convinced myself we were soulmates, born 6 months apart to the day. I thought your darkness balanced out my light. I thought that you were like pools of rain. Like the ocean in your eyes, brought just for me- the color of sky. I wanted to dive into the depths of shallow waters and bathe in your hopes and fears. But I am the dirt, that grows in groves and makes mounds into mountains. Pushing out life and taking away death. Molding into anything, but more often the home for life to grow in. Together, we are mud. Mud that makes seeds sprout open and creates the green Earth. We can make each other grow into anything we want.
We shared the same dreams for our lives. With music, art and authenticity. We played songs, and danced, and laughed and played love together. I was there when you stole that gardening hat you like so much. I was there when you met your inner wild man. I was there when you needed a friend to help you up again. I was always there for you. Whenever, wherever. Because that’s who I am and that’s how I love. Ride or Die. All in or all out.
But I broke my rules for you. I waited around for your late night calls just to fake the intimacy. What I wanted was your midnight kiss, your dreams and desires. To share your past and your future. To be there at your proudest moment and on your blackest day.
You make me feel so alive I would be crazy not to want it all with you.
You’re overwhelming and intoxicating. You’re freedom from being trapped in a magic lamp. You make me feel empowered and sexy, interesting and funny. You make me feel small and inconsequential. Not good enough and ashamed to think I ever stood a chance. To say you’re hot and cold, would be easy. You are terrible and divine. A power I have yet to understand but one I found I can control.
That’s right. I can have power over you. This is how.
I can play the nice girl and be your friend to lend a shoulder when you’re down. I can be your baby, that shows you how to lay it down. I can be your caretaker, and treat you better than any girl who’s been around. I can love you without emotional bounds. I can teach you how to heal your wounds. How to ascend like a tree in the forest. I can show you how to feel compassion for strangers, enemies and virtually anyone. I can do anything. I am not like those girls who came before me. Because I forgave you, because despite everything I will continue to care about you.
And most of all, because I am the girl who will never lay down and die. I can do it with you, I can do it without you. You don’t need me to tell you that you need me. You already know. So don’t lose me while I’m deciding if I should finally go.
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