Thought Catalog

Why I’ll Never Be Promiscuous

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I’m drunk at a bar, making out with a stranger. He’s not the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, but he’s the hottest guy present in the room at this moment in time. “I want to take you home,” he whispers in my ear. I grab his ass and pull him close to me. “I can’t,” I say with a regretful voice. I want to though. I just can’t.

When it comes to getting naked with a stranger I’m the biggest prude on the planet. I like talking about sex with just anyone. I like looking at just anyone having sex (except relatives and old people, that’s traumatizing). I just don’t like to have sex with just anyone.

Even if I’m dating a guy, I’ll never put out right away. One date, two dates, three dates; if he’s lucky he might get in my pants after four. He’ll have to work for it though. Hard.

I don’t mean to be a ballbusting diva who likes to save his private parts only for ‘special’ occasions, so every time ‘feels like the first time all over again.’ (We’ve come a long way as a society, so I hope we’ve all realized first times in almost every category of life are overrated.) I also don’t view my sex organs as some precious enchanted genie lamp that spews magic every time it gets rubbed. I just need to feel comfortable to get down and dirty, and since I’m a social neurotic, I can never quite feel comfortable enough.

My social anxiety isn’t the only reason I can’t play myself around. If I was a girl, I’d be the one trying to convince her gay BFF to pop her cherry, hoping he’d fall in love with her. Sexual feelings usually equate to romantic feelings in the mathematics of my brain. And if they don’t, I’ll be sure to overanalyze the whole situation, creating phantom romantic feelings. I’m a slave to my own emotions.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Twilight novel, so I’d feel pride and joy about my Puritan ways, but this is the digital age, ruled by OKCupid, Grindr and Facebook. People are much more open about their sexual desires. If you want to stick your penis somewhere (or want someone to stick their penis in you), you can make it happen in 1-2-3. I envy them, all of those people who seem to get past their inhibitions so easily and just screw around like every day could be their last.

So even though I wish I was more of a slut sometimes, it’s probably the best for my psyche that I’m not. (That’s also because my neurotic mind convinces me, every time after a sexual encounter – even the safe ones – that I probably have a STD.)

But I’d like to take this moment to bow down and honor all the sluts in the world. I admire you guys. You get to live out the fantasy that I can’t. Shine on, you crazy diamonds, and go get down and dirty with that random stranger from the bar. If you need me, I’ll be sitting at home, reading Breaking Dawn. TC mark

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    • Stellie Cat

      I hate to admit it but im in the same boat as you.

      Freaking reading Breaking dawn every single night.

    • http://www.danladds.com Dan Ladds

      I’ll be sure not to read Breaking Dawn then, because promiscuity sure has its perks. ;)

    • http://vintagevanityx3.wordpress.com Ana

      Word.

      Except maybe minus the Twilight bit…

      Okay. Fine. Incredibly-Close-To-Accuracy-Word.

    • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

      Ahhh-men.

      Ha.

    • Miss A

      “I also don’t view my sex organs as some precious enchanted genie lamp that spews magic every time it gets rubbed. ”
      ..wait,what? Its not like that for everyone?

    • Ugh

      kinda sounds like a knock off ryan o connell

      • Guest

        but I love ryan o’connell’s stuff, so I don’t mind.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Whoa, waiting until 4 dates to get in your pants makes you a Puritan? 
      Guys, I think I’m on my way to Sainthood…expect my canonization any day now. 

    • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

      If you want to stick your penis somewhere (or want someone to stick their penis in you), you can make it happen in 1-2-3. 

      IRL : applicable only for hot people

      • http://whoismau.tumblr.com/ Mauricio

        If you’ve ever been on Grindr before (probably not), you would know that’s…far from the truth.

    • Nssjsjz

      Equating sex with love is the biggest cock blocker. Anyone who thinks like that needs to stop!

    • http://twitter.com/JackCazir Jack Cazir

      I’ll never be promiscuous, either.

      Because I’m ugly.

      • Anonymous

        Just kidding, I am very attractive.

    • Anonymous

      We’re the same.

    • Dude

      “I’d be the one trying to convince her gay BFF to pop her cherry, hoping he’d fall in love with her. ” ….This looks sick.

    • J in DC

      Good article.  Looking forward to seeing more … more articles, that is, since you are not promiscuous.

    • Lillian

      this is my life, minus reading twilight. i read other shitty YA fiction instead.

      but seriously “phantom romantic feelings” is SO ACCURATE. also, stds/pregnancy every time i kiss a guy. #neurotic

    • Anonymous

      Am I the only one who thought this was written by a girl for three paragraphs, then got confused in the fourth and finally got confirmation in the fifth paragraph that this was written by a gay man?  This sort of thing really needs to have more disclosure.  I don’t mind reading sexy time stuff from a gay man, but thinking it’s a chick and finding out different can be a bit…jarring.

      • http://thebottomlessmimosa.com Sydney

        i guess the name Bernard in the by line wasn’t quite early enough for ya

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

        I agree. Full disclosure. All these 20something straight girls talking about their straight sex freak me the fuck out. I mean uh… jar. It’s jarring.

      • Guesty

        wat

      • Mr. Luva Luva

        I’m usually looking at the writer’s name (watching out for any by Ryan O’Connell. Just kidding! Love you Ryan) and I don’t get confused

    • A.

      “I can’t… I want to though. I just can’t.”

      Funny, that’s always my line.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=42002098 Mage Baltes

      Wannabe sluts who can’t get down: UNITE!

    • elaine

      yes

    • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

      I don’t understand why you seem to paint life a a choice between two extreme alternatives–being promiscuous versus sitting at home reading Breaking Dawn. It takes me at least six dates (usually more like ten) to have sex with someone, but I still do things like hang out with friends or go on said dates. Not being “promiscuous” doesn’t mean you’re a loser who sits alone at home every night.

    • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

      I too wish I could be a slut. 

    • chachi

      wait, why is everyone on TC a faggot? seriously… like its so gay.

      • chachi

        the writers I mean lol

        • rach

          ‘ha ha’ not funny. go be a bigot elsewhere.

      • anon

        funny (?), gtfo

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      You can always slut around vicariously – nothing wrong with that either. (Plus, most sluts love to share stories. Makes the whole the far more fun.)

    • http://twitter.com/arhcamt R

      well at least you get to make out with the hot stranger.  i’m too socially neurotic  i can’t even bring myself to a bar. #ForeverAlone

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