I've Got Junk In My Trunk

Whenever I get naked with a guy, one of the first things they notice is my ass. ‘Wow, you have a REALLY big ass.’ I give them my ‘whatever” face and shrug. ‘I know, boo, I’ve been sitting on it for almost 22 years now.’

I don’t like it when people point out the junk in my trunk. It’s too obvious.

When I was 2 years old, my parents (and their friends: those jerks,) used to call me Buddha because I was a fat baby who liked to crawl around in the lotus position. As I got older, the fat left my body and I became the skinny bitch I am today. But the fat down below didn’t give up so easily, and so I always had a nice cushion to sit on.

It’s probably a family curse. We, Lansbergen ladies, are the victim of our own genes. My sister has a big ass, my grandmother has a big ass, my great grandmother probably had a big ass too. We’re all a bunch of big assed losers. A fact we often like to point out to one another.

There are a lot of times I’m fed up with the bubble that’s sticking out of my back. When I look in the mirror I think to myself, ‘Well done Bernard! You totally stopped eating long enough so your ribcage is visible again.’ But when I look further down I can never deny the perfectly round alien that’s popping out of my body.

Maybe I wouldn’t have had this problem if I had been 22 in a time that’s more relevant to my ass, like the late 90’s. I remember J.Lo dancing around on a postcard, screaming that her love didn’t cost a thing while she shook her moneymaker. Whenever her videos played, I would say to myself, ‘You’re SO lucky you have a family full of big asses, you’ve got your future sex appeal under control. Right on, ladiesman!’ How was I supposed to know that the skin-and-bones look would become the look of the new millennium?! (And how was I to know I wasn’t into J.Lo because of her booty, but because of her male back-up dancers?!) The day I woke up and discovered my ass wasn’t an asset anymore was a very depressing day, but after a while, I learned to live with the burden on my back. I tried to move on.

I have to say, though, that when I’m at a club and a good ass shaking song comes on, (basically every non-ballad Beyoncé has released) I get my ass on the dancefloor and show all of those skinny figureless bitches what I got. It’s moments like these that make me realize how truly blessed I am by the junk in my trunk.

So if you’re ever at the same club as me, come and say hello, I’ll buy you a drink. And afterwards you can watch me on the floor celebrating what my daddy gave me. (My mom has got her measurements in check.) And when Beyoncé sings, ‘Who runs the world ?’, I shall shout back, ‘My ass does.’ TC mark


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  • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

    Don't be discouraged by your booty, Bernard. It is an asset (teehee)!

    I, for one, feel sorry for the people with lesser asses. It must be so uncomfortable to sit with nothing to cushion your bones.

  • simón

    Well, my big ass says hello to you too.

  • jeffreysmoore153

    Trust me, guys do not view this as a negative “asset.”

  • jack

    this article could have been edited down to one sentence

  • http://twitter.com/brownnnbear Jocelyn

    you must have dumps like a truck, truck, truck.

  • mertzy

    pix plz

  • Trash Humper

    Don't worry about your ass. Do you actually go by Bernard? Bro.

    • StyleForGuys

      He's Belgian, 'bro'. It's a normal (French) name here.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      the nard dog

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        Beer me that disc.

  • Megan

    I also come from a family of large asses, and me being pretty small I sometimes see it as a burden. At least my boyfriend loves it

  • Guest666

    honestly only weird people are not into ass…like, i literally can't date someone unless there's sumfin there cause i'm not tryin to constantly hit it up and think to myself, 'damn i remember hittin it doggy on that one chick with the fatty too bad my girl ain't got one'…same people not into ass, i suspect, are into those black and white 'artistic nudes' tumblrs and shit and just got into goth fashion and shit. f'real doggy.

  • pineapplemary

    Dude, there's an anthem to big butts.
    How many anthems are ther for skinny butts? Zero.
    Btw, I think a lot of it is due to your culture, I hispanic, so the bigger the butt the hotter the girl.

  • pewpdude


  • lmlb81rty
  • klaus

    I thought you were GAY because of your name

  • SousChefGerard
  • Guest

    Lots of guys like big asses on girls.  Don't be disheartened!

  • Fsxf

    The best thing about your ass may be that you created it so that your fans would have a place to go. A place where all the freaks are outside and you lock the fucking doors (of your ass)!

    • Bernard


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