Whenever I?m in a group of girls (which happens quite often since I?m just that gay,) and the subject of Sex & The City comes up, I start rolling my eyes. I know what?s going to be said. I just can?t help but wonder who is going to say it. Maybe it?s that mousy girl who doesn?t seem to own a hairbrush? Or it might as well be that girl with the fake Louis Vuitton bag.
?I am such a Carrie Bradshaw.?
Surprise, surprise. It?s the girl with the purple scrunchie in her hair.
?OMG no, Suzy, stop it! I am such a Carrie Bradshaw. I just love shoes.
I roll my eyes at their lack of self-awareness. Everybody wants to be a friggin? Carrie Bradshaw. And every time again I have to tell these girls to SHUT UP! Not only are their statements ridiculous, (Euhm, HELLO! Since when does Carrie Bradshaw wear scrunchies ?! SHE HATES THEM!) they are also simply untrue because I am the only Carrie Bradshaw these girls shall ever meet in their lives.
Being Carrie Bradshaw isn?t about living in New York City, owning a pair of Manolo Blahniks or loving fashion. It?s about being a self-centred bitch who only cares about herself, ignoring the lives of her so called girlfriends. Basically, it?s like being me.
It can be SO hard though, being Carrie Bradshaw. Whenever I have something really important going on (like a first date or…..a second date) all my friends want to talk about their lives. NEWSFLASH! I don?t care about your shenanigans Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte. You can lawyer, fuck and housewife all you want, I couldn?t care less. Whenever you guys tell a story, I?ll start scanning the room, looking for someone else, someone actually interesting.
And as soon as you?re done with your long boring story about changing diapers or having a one-night stand, I shall bring back the conversation to me, me and euhm…ME. None of your stories of divorce, wild sex and careers. I just want you to give me your opinions about my lack of commitment. I want you to be jealous of my one lover who I can?t seem to quit, even though I can never be quite happy. I only like to talk about him anyway. I like to get carried away, you see.
And when I ask you, my dear three best girlfriends, for advice I expect you to know that I won?t take it anyway. I don?t care if you feel that I am wasting your time. You?re my friend and you shall pretend that you have any input. And oh! Don?t ever expect to be invited round my house for a meal because I don?t cook. I don?t even own a stove! I?m THAT next level Carrie Bradshaw shit.
Last but not least, I get first dibs on every guy we meet (Every hot guy is gay anyway), because let?s face it : everybody wants to date a mr. Big, and nobody wants to date a Steve or even worse a Harry. You might want to date a Smith, but beauty fades honey, and what are you going to do then ? Move away to the other side of the country and get fat ?!
So next time, you try to come up to me and tell me you are SO Carrie Bradshaw, think twice my dear, because there can only be one Carrie Bradshaw in the room and I have the mole to prove it.