An Open Letter To Lady Gaga

Dear Lady Gaga,

I should start by congratulating you on the release of your new album Born This Way and of course on you being the most powerful celebrity in the world, according to Forbes. All praise aside, I think we need to have a talk.

When you first made a splash on the music scene in 2008, I was immediately enchanted by you. ‘This girl knows how to party on red wine, just like me. SOULMATES! (Or with RedOne. Whatever! He’s not important.)” As you soldiered on throughout your early career you transformed from an average throwaway pop princess to a dark, mysterious faux-arty techno queen and I loved every step of the way.

‘Who would wear a lobster on her head ? That’s SO Gaga. (Or Isabella Blow. Whatever! It’s a tribute.)’ ‘Who would pretend to kill herself at the VMA’s?! Oh. Em. Gee. She did it again! SO GAGA.’ ‘Who would write a rap incorporating Stanley Kubrick and Lady Di in the same sentence?! SO MUCH GAGA AMAZINGNESS.’

I loved the sledgehammer music you were chumming out (‘I know an Alejandro too, this must be fate!’), but the things you were chumming out in the press started to eat away at my love for you. The way you started calling yourself Mother Monster and referring to your precious fans as Little Monsters, kind of made me shiver in unpleasantness.

This was probably also because you started crying behind your piano, every time your monsters were screaming your name at your Monster Ball. The first few times it was cute, but now that little act is getting a little stale. We get it, you love all of your fans for making you rich and making you number 1 on that Forbes list but there comes a time where you just need to take the money and stop crying about it.

When you then decide to overbear your new single with an actual message, you inspired a new craze of ‘Born This Way’ tattoos. (As if the tribal tattoo craze wasn’t bad enough!?) I’m not doubting your intentions on voicing your carefully researched opinion on the nature/nurture debate, I just don’t think that urging a group of people to take on the identity you gave them (PUT YOUR PAWS UP!), actually helps people be themselves.

Also, you need to stop saying things like ‘You cannot destroy me. Because I am an art piece.’ That line lives next to ‘I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am,’ and you don’t want to end up being Paula Abdul’s next door neighbour. (A pill addiction would make you actually LESS interesting.)

So although our personal relationship is in a state of flux I still can’t help but fall in love with those amazing pulsating techno beats you have collected on your new record. It makes me not want to quit you. It makes me want to love your persona once again. So spend a little less time preaching, and a little more time choosing the right singles (Scheiße next please!) and I’m sure we’ll be able to work things out.

Sincerely yours,
Bernard Lansbergen TC mark

image – Lady Gaga


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  • syahmi azri

    spot on. i love the old lady gaga who cares bout nothing but asked us to 'just dance' :)

  • Meghan Blalock


  • Jocelyn

    i just miss when gaga was into bubble dresses, disco sticks & poisoning tyrese with beyonce. ya know, innocent stuff.

  • vveneziani

    Remember the movie Monsters Ball where Halle Berry has sex with Billy Bob Thornton? Cool.

  • Nick Beith

    Also: shilling Farm Ville. Wtf?

  • Customconcern

    this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't over-intellectualized her in the first place

  • Feelingless

    I hate that lady for all the reasons you listed.

  • Rebecca Raia

    Due to all the reasons you listed, Lady Gaga has become the most annoying icon of our times. I understand why certain people would find comfort in her message, but seeing some of my grown friends go gaga for Lady Gaga is on the borderline of pathetic. And seeing how she manipulates her personal brand by emphasizing how her originality was target for bullying or misunderstanding makes it even more irritating , because people see it as an excuse to praise her even more. Oh gosh.

  • Aelya

    Is the thumbnail her album cover?

    …why is she a motorcycle.

    • Nico

      Cause you gotta rev that bitch up.

  • antimyrmidon

    but then, she's had a super-fun, “normal” A-list celeb couple of weeks, doing some hilarious interviews on British tv, and recording some skits with Justin Timberlake for SNL. She has been joking about herself to an extent, so perhaps she's starting to turn another corner? I don't know; I love her and loathe her, but how I feel is never going to change how she interacts with her fans so I guess it doesn't really matter.

  • leo

    why you gotta hate? i WISH when i was a kid that i had a role model like gaga, telling me to f***k the haters and focus on becoming my best self.  it's a pure, simple message of self love and self confidence.  you had to look pretty far beyond #1 billboard pop music to find a message like that before gaga, and thank god the radios are blasting it now.  

    she's found a way to inspire millions and yes, her fans span the age, maturity, and individuality spectrums so yes, some people's response to her message will be “let's all get the same tattoo to show how unique we are.”  i guess that's the downside of being insanely popular, i wouldn't know.  but loosen up your skinny jeans and tone down the pretentiousness please.  when i put my paws up it's a sign of solidarity, not conformity.and she's a performer so she's going to cry at every show. that doesn't change the fact that she's giving all of her fans a pretty neat personal experience that's still unique to each of them.  stand-up comics do the same thing, i've seen norm macdonald tell the same story on 3 different late night talk shows.  still funny.  when i saw her at oracle arena it wasn't gaga's first performance on the tour, but she still connected with me and i still danced my ass off.i think you're upset because lady gaga the real-life person has found a way to preach lady gaga the persona's message to so many people.  that shouldn't be a surprise though.  she's got talent–she doesn't just cry in front of a piano, she pours her heart out onstage.  she's got a simple message to share that rings true to a lot of people, and it channels the angst and confusion of our generation in a positive way. and she tailors her persona — she is always performing — to reach as many people as possible with that message.  sounds like a recipe for success to me. bottom line, i wrote an open love letter to lady gaga 2 months ago, and i like it better than your hate letter:

  • Mitch

    Everything Gaga does, Madonna did first (and arguably better, depending on who you ask). The primary difference being Madonna actually had some semblance of substance beyond the media histrionics (again, depending on who you ask).

  • Matt

    Your argument is that Lady Gaga isn't as good because she's espousing an important message?  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  She's become more than she was before.  She's become someone who inspires people to be who they are.  Someone who's not worried about you “just dancing” and isn't too stupid to turn her telephone off when she's in the club with that tool Beyonce.  She's become someone who people can listen to and learn that they should be who they are, not what society tells them to be.  So again, fuck you.

    • Bernard

      Lady Gaga is a character created by Stefani Germanotta.
      Do they share some similarities ? Probably.
      Are they the same person ? No, otherwise Lady Gaga would just be called Stefani Germanotta.
      I don't need preachy advice about being myself from someone who isn't even herself.

      On top of that, the 'It's ok to be who you are' – message is the message used right now to sell records. (I'm looking at you Ke$ha and Katy Perry.) It probably has something to do with bullying being the hot topic in the media for the last year.

      But if you needed Gaga to learn how to be yourself, then I am happy for you and congratulations and all that jazz.

    • Rebecca Raia

      I don't think that was his message…

  • Joan Matelli

    Also disturbing is her constant message of “Oh, my poor little monsters, you've been so unloved. Everyone hates you; no one loves you like I do. But I'm here for you!” That's pretty consistent with what emotional and physical domestic abusers say to their victims, to distance them from their support network and make them more dependent. Gaga's message is not one of empowerment, it's one of manipulation.
    Contrast Gaga's message with Dan Savage's “It Gets Better” campaign. One advocates a sense of resentment, victimhood, and cultish dependency; the other promotes strength, love, and hope for a beautiful and joyful future.
    As for the comparisons to Madonna? Madonna looked to minority and gay communities for inspiration, copied them, and gave their culture a global spotlight (Vogue, anyone?). In contrast, Gaga tells folks to put their paws up, be “monsters,” copy her costumes and be just like her.

  • erin pea


  • Steven

    Do you enjoy Born This Way (album)?
    If so, how can you enjoy the album that is all about self-empowerment yet not like her when all she talks about is being brave and loving who you are because you were born this way.
    Also, why do you want Scheiße to be the next single?

    • Bernard

      I enjoy some of it.
      Most of  the songs that are not as in-your-face-LOVE-YOURSELF-Y'ALL I like.

      Scheiße is catchy as hell and I'm sorry, but don't try to act like it's about a woman's self-empowerment because it's just a mumbo jumbo of words trying to be about that. It's one of the few songs of the album where the vague and bullshit-message doesn't have any negative side-effects on the production/music.

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