This was written from a café in the neighborhood. I reaped inspiration from random people passing by on the street, all of them guilty (just kidding). Let’s observe the following stereotypes I deem as untrustworthy…
People Who Whistle
Whistle while you work? I don’t think so. There’s no one guiltier, than someone who WHISTLES. Why are you whistling? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE?! You might as well just confess your crime because that’s basically what you’re doing. We hear you, therefor we see you. We know you’re guilty. What did you do? The world may never know. You did it, you’re hiding it (poorly), and the truth is out there somewhere in the silence. You’re finished.
People Who Keep Their Phone On the Table During Dates
Everyone is addicted to social media. We get it. This very article was based on a Facebook post I wrote! However, there’s a time and a place. On a date, you’re supposedly trying to get to know someone. How can you do that when your ANNOYING PHONE is constantly distracting you? Is it your security blanket? Would you like a pacifier too? I’d bring one next time, but there won’t be one. Why do you need to stay connected to your network while you’re sitting across the table from me for the next 30-40 minutes tops? How about being present with me? It’s a limited time offer, so why not take advantage of it? If you’re one of these people, it’s time to ask yourself the question: can I be trusted? Most likely NO, you CANNOT. What’s stopping you from putting your damn phone down to be in the moment? I will gladly answer that: SOMETHING ELSE. Guilty.
Aside from SnapChat (which is disqualified due to the fun filters that morph you into hotdogs, talking chinchillas and etc.), people who do nothing but take selfies are doing what? Posing. What does that make them? POSERS. Why are you posing so much? We know what you look like, you know what you look like, why do we need a constant play by play of your stupid facial expressions? I’m not saying you’re stupid, but yea. It’s stupid and unnecessary. Furthermore, if pictures are the world through our eyes, then people who take selfie after selfie are either dumb, or just think the world evolves around THEM. Well, it doesn’t. You’re trying too hard to portray a version of yourself that you want us to see, which means you’re hiding the UGLY (not selfie-worthy) truth. Snap away you bunch of phonies. You’re in denial and we know it.
People Who Appear to Have Peed Their Pants
A person walking down the street with a giant wet spot on their behind, is most likely not the most trustworthy. I’m sorry. Maybe you have a bossy bladder or maybe you just don’t have anywhere else to pee besides your pants (that’s awful and we’re sorry). Regardless, your financial status is probably not good and you’re likely desperate to do many things to find a bathroom, inheriting new pants, take a shower etc. While we may want to help you, we shouldn’t leave you alone in a room with our valuables. Just stating the facts.
Groups of People Walking Down the Street at 7AM Smoking Cigarettes and Cackling Loudly in Clothes That Look Like They Put On 2 Days Ago
Your kind is shameless and you know who you are. We’d bet on the likelihood that you’re not up this early for Church. It’s more like: you’ve been up all night partying. You and your “crew” are probably on a bender. Looks fun. I’ve been there myself, but we wouldn’t trust you as far as we can throw you. Bunch of scallywags.
People Who Make “Elevator Eyes”
Up and down. Are you checking my measurements for tailoring purposes? Are you scanning my insides for abnormalities with x-ray vision? Should I take my clothes off and start running down the sidewalk on all fours so you can shoot me down with a bow and arrow? People who give you the old elevator eyes are intentionally letting you know that they mean business. By “business”, I mean you’re game as in SPORT; like deer in the woods to the fricking Huntsman in Snow White, and he was DEFINITELY not to be trusted.
People Who Walk Funny
You’re the guy with his shoulders hunched up really high and the girl sticking her chest up strutting like a chicken. It looks like it takes effort. How you think you look and how you actually look are probably not married. Why do you walk like that? If you suffer from poor posture that’s one thing (we’re sorry), but otherwise, why don’t you walk like a normal person? Again, what are you trying to hide? I say everything. *On another note, I suddenly became self-conscious about my own walk while writing this.
People Who Listen to Shitty Music
I’m not going to elaborate on what music is good and what music isn’t. Basically if we think your taste is shitty then it is and there’s just something off about you. We’re not on the same page. Therefor, you would probably kill me in a fit of passionate rage if you had the chance. Just saying.
People Who Don’t Like Animals
People Who Park Their Car With 2 Wheels On the Curb
Are you drunk? Poor judgment.
People Eating Cake for Breakfast
Cookie Monster was insane. He is a perfect example of the adverse affects of sugar addiction. Need I say more?
People Who Put Their Pets in Clothes
Sorry, but I’m inclined to believe that you don’t care about the actual comfort of your animal. You’re more concerned with being cute than the fact that animals don’t want to wear clothes. You are dismissed.
People Who Say They Don’t Fart