How To Meet All The Wrong People

Please note the sarcastic nature of the following material. While possibilities presented may be ideal for meeting all the “wrong people”, this is not a blanket judgment by any means (yes it is). It is a work of satire accompanied by a fowl mood. Of course, the “right people” may be equally present in any of these scenarios, however unlikely.

The dating game is proverbially known to trigger primal and animalistic instincts in us all. It’s not unnatural or unheard of to become a more awkward or rash version of yourself when attraction enters the equation. Nonetheless, when it comes to meeting the kind of people you actually want to know or may consider potential prospects, here are a few of my favorite instances where the opposite is likely. What constitutes being “wrong” is a gray area. It may be defined as anyone who is undesirable, incompetent, immature, untrustworthy, generally flawed, or just plain bad for you. Let’s entertain some stereotypes. Shall we?

Be a bartender.

Expect to pick your poison of douchebaggery by accepting said (highly) social profession. Who knew that a place offering endless supplies of booze, would allure to the most epically depressed, drunk, substance abusing, unhappy, obnoxious, sleazy, dissatisfied, sex addicted, overtly pointless or (insert personality disorder here) people on the planet? Behold; it is a place where legends are made, where horrible people go, and where bad decisions are made every second of every plastered day. Whoever they are, they will come find you. They will flock to you like kittens to milk. You are their God (God help you).

Join the comedy scene.

Let’s turn our faces to the fact that some of the most screwed up people are in comedy. There’s no need to sugar coat it. Congratulations to comics everywhere for the way they’ve learned to deal with their issues. Props to them for turning life’s misfortunes into entertainment be it a defense mechanism or just a choice. While I may be hypocritically doing the same thing right now, that’s what makes this so great. Put it this way: there’s a fine line between brilliance and insanity. Some would say they go hand in hand, but there’s a reason the first comedians in history (court jesters) were called “fools”. In the end, it’s all fun and games until the joke is on you. Opportunistic and underhanded, these folks will turn on you on a dime to make themselves look better. Mortifying.

Live in NYC or LA.

You’re more than flirting with disaster and playing with fire by relocating to or living in either one of these epicenters for the world’s greatest assholes (no, that is not gender specific). I promise you that the mass majority of horrible people flock to these cities for the sake of opportunity. From a population demographic alone, there are infinite possibilities for womanizing, man-eating, misogyny, misandry, liars, cheaters, thieves and whores to prosper in the great cities of Los Angeles and New York City. These places are a smorgasbord of said types and they are SOLID.

Be a musician.

In this line of work you find artists who pride themselves on being unconventional, edgy and original. The same may be said for all sorts of artists, but because of the influence that music has over the masses, you get hyper arrogant, egotistical, neurotic and narcissistic personality types that go with this territory. As if to live in a mantra of continual self-promotion, nothing is more powerful in their mind than they are.

Musicians are typically very emotional which makes them unstable. That being said, if you’re a musician you probably know a lot of flaky people. The odds that you are also one of these people (a flake), is liable. You increase your likelihood of meeting these flakes and (like minded) idiots, by being in the music industry in general. That being said, it’s a miracle to me how any band stays together. It’s almost as though all brain cells went to the music and left nothing for actual articulation.

Go to the gym.

Let’s face it, we all want to look good and be healthy (most of us). However, your chances of encountering hyper egotistical, narcissistic, neurotic, bone headed, morons and idiots increase when you are in the very venue of their practice. That is not to knock on all body builders, personal trainers, strippers, models, and etc. However, these types are likely to be found in large quantities there. All of which, lousy personality types run ramped. The coolest people seem to have other ways of getting in shape, rather than being in some smelly, uninspiring, unnatural setting that feels like a concentration camp.

Take the bus or train.

“Excuse me ma’am, do you have a swipe?” Do you want to date a person who asks questions like this? DO YOU? Furthermore, it’s the idiot who’s making you listen to their cell phone conversation, playing videos without headphones, and the gross couple making out in front of you, while you suffer all the way to your stop. And if you’re a fan of child abuse, you’re sure to see that here as well. What am I really saying? I’m saying that best people have cars or make enough money to take Ubers and Lyfts wherever they need to go. Period. PS- yes, I ride in all of the above.

Go out to eat.

Everyone who goes out to eat is either already on a date or creepy and married, looking for a mistress. AVOID. If you want to meet someone who is not on a date, go to the park or something, I don’t know. The only real options you have at a restaurant are the wait staff and (having been a server), those people are all sleeping around anyway. Again, AVOID. Unless you want STDs.

Go to prison.

Duh.

All in all, don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, don’t talk to anyone and don’t take anyone seriously because the chance that they are horrible is feasible. Yes I am laughing as I write this.

This article was brought to you by a series of unromantic events.