She popped into my mind again today. I pictured her face and thought, “If only…..” Again. For the 500th time. My only consolation was knowing that she also had gone on to a series of bad relationships, as I did, and never really met the right one. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be for us either.
Bad timing, either on her part, or mine, or hers again, or mine. It didn’t really matter; it wasn’t meant to be. “But why not?”, I have always thought. You only live once, so why do you not get what you desire? I repeatedly ask myself that question. I wonder. Was it because I lacked courage? Was I afraid of the possible pain. Was I afraid she might hurt me again. The answer is yes to all of those questions. A pathetic, resounding, yes. I had been hurt before her, and I wasn’t going to be hurt again by her or anyone else.
So I cut it short, first sign of betrayal. Granted, it was a big sign. But she was young. Maybe I should have given her a pass for that reason. Looking back, yes, I should have given her a pass, but I didn’t. She wanted me back, but I said no. I was too weak, and couldn’t take the chance of more pain. However, no pain, no gain. If you are never willing to take a chance, stick your neck out, risk everything, then you will never get what you really want. Looking back, if I had more courage to take bigger chances, I wonder now if I could I have pulled it off? Would it have worked out between us?
I don’t know. God knows, and HE’s probably not ever sure. Something else probably would have gone wrong. She would have gotten sick of how I suck the salt off of pistacios before taking the shell off, or some other subtle, obscure thing that ruins the chemistry between people, would probably have put the kabosh on our relationship…..but I should have tried. Of the hundreds of missed opportunities in my life, that is the one that I regret the most.
I didn’t know that then. I thought there would be others like her, but there wasn’t. She was stunning to look at, and real to talk to,……and she liked me. She loved me. She liked my looks. She liked my sense if humor. When we split up, she apparently looked back and thought, “Oh my god, what have I done”, but it was too late. I had already insulated myself from her by then. Oh yes, I still loved her. Very much. That would always remain a constant. Why does bad behavior not kill love? It only seems to make it stronger.
She made many overtures to get back together. She tried everything. She even befriended my sister, in order to still have access to me. I resisted though. I said, “Sure we can hook up, but I am with someone else now”, even though the new one didn’t hold a candle to her.
There was a point however, when I finally realized what a bad mistake I was making. I actually reversed course. I told the new girlfriend it was not going to work out between us. She wanted to know why. I listed off the reasons in a very frank way. I wasn’t looking to fix the problems, I was looking to get out, but then she threw me a curve. She said I was right, and that she was going to do everything she could to correct her behavior. I said, “but that’s not possible to change who you are.”
She said, “Yes it is, and I will show you, so just drop all of this nonsense about breaking up”. I bought it. Like a sucker, I bought it. I was weak. She was strong. I thought, “How could I give up such a dedicated heart?” After all, that is what I was looking for in the first place wasn’t it? A true love. One that I didn’t have to worry about, even though inferior to the real thing. I should play it safe, I thought. How stupid I was. You have to go for the brass ring. There is no other choice. If you settle, you will ALWAYS be sorry. If I have learned ONE thing in this lifetime, it is that bravery is the only option. A brave man dies once, a coward a thousand times. I think I have probably exceeded that number by now.