7 Things I Learned From Watching Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Millennials and Gen X-ers alike will be happy to know that not only is Archie Comics is working on a revamped Sabrina, the Teenage Witch comic book series, Sony Pictures is also working on a live-action Sabrina movie.

I’m a little nervous about the movie, because even though Sabrina revolves around a high school girl with magical powers and a talking cat, I’m pretty sure I learned just as much from Sabrina Spellman as I did from any other ‘90s sitcom.

Sabrina was pretty much the biggest brat ever, so she always messed something up and “learned from her mistakes.” Here are a few life lessons that Sabrina Spellman passed down to ‘90s kids personally.

1. You can’t make your enemies go away.

Despite Sabrina’s attempts to turn her arch-nemesis Libby into a pineapple, a goat, and a jigsaw puzzle, she learned that she couldn’t just go around turning cheerleaders into her barnyard buddies. That’s not the way the real world works. Deal with enemies the mortal way (until they inexplicably disappear from your TV show in season four).

2. People will come and go from your life.

Speaking of unexplained disappearances, does anyone remember Jenny, Sabrina’s curly-haired best friend from season one? I don’t think Sabrina does either, because she wasn’t mentioned ever again. Her replacement, the delightfully awkward Valerie moved to Alaska after season three. As we move through life and navigate new spaces, we sometimes lose touch with old friends and gain new friends. It’s bound to happen. Sabrina didn’t have time to grow apart from her friends, but she would have.

3. Your actions have consequences.

Sabrina didn’t study for her witch’s license test, and she had to go to witch boot camp. Like Sabrina, we have to face our fates after making mistakes, and fleeing boot camp to get to a high school dance won’t make things any easier. What were you even thinking, Sabrina?

4. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay.

Obviously Sabrina is made fun of by Libby, but that’s merely high school hierarchy. Sabrina is more bothered by Harvey’s bromance with Brad in season four, in large part because she can’t figure out why Brad hates her so much. Listen, Sabrina, you’re really perky and that could be kind of annoying to people. Take a Ritalin or realize that a few people might dislike you (it turns out that Brad just has a “witch-hunter” gene, so Sabrina’s ego doesn’t get too deflated).

5. Family is important.

Sabrina knows this because her show was shot to hell without the presence of her aunts Zelda and Hilda. We get it — Sabrina is growing up! College! Independence! But Sabrina’s friends and roommates — Amber from Clueless and Punky Brewster, for the record — just weren’t the same as good old family.

6. Everyone has secrets.

Sabrina had more secrets than most, considering she’s, you know, a witch (and all witches have a family secret). We all have our mysteries, but if Sabrina taught me anything about secrets, it’s not to keep them. She always found herself tangled in a chaotic web of lies. Life is much easier if you are open and honest. Tell your new lover about that STI you had sophomore year.

7. Too much of a good thing can be bad for you.

The greatest television episode in history (maybe) occurred when Sabrina became dangerously addicted to pancakes. If you aren’t familiar with this episode, you just need to watch it. As Sabrina’s literally ballooning weight can attest to, moderation is key.