The 5 Kinds Of Couples That Use #WeddingHashtags

1. The Traditional Couple

The traditional couple picks a simple, classy hashtag, like #JoeAndBecca2019. They get a C+ for creativity, but honestly, there’s nothing bad to say about this couple. They’re clearly in love, and what’s more, they’re focused on the more important things—something you definitely can’t say about the other couples on this list.

But keep in mind: this is the couple that you’ll never hear from again after they get married. Because they’re, well, in love.

2. The Couple That’s Actually Funny

You’re happy to be at this couple’s wedding. Both of them are good people, and at least one is naturally funny. So their wedding hashtag is usually pretty good. Even the emotionally unavailable men in attendance do that macho half-smile and nod, acknowledging its cleverness when they hear it.

Like, your last name is Hughes? #HughesMakeMyDreamsComeTrue. Bam—wedded bliss and an homage to Hall and Oates. Enjoy your honeymoon, the Hughes. We’ll actually miss you.

3. The First-Time Comedians

This couple is the exact opposite of the funny couple. Neither partner has ever been funny a day in their life. At least one—but likely both—was an RA in college. But for some reason, they decide their wedding is the perfect time to become comedians.

Because there’s no better time to change your personality than right before you get married.

Because this couple isn’t naturally funny, they inevitably pick an awkward hashtag that you, as a guest, wind up explaining to a distant relative while your filet mignon gets cold.

“What’s ‘#FletcherIBarelyKnewHer’ mean? I don’t know, Aunt Cathy. Why don’t you ask the hilarious bride?”

4. The Lazy Last-Second Couple

Both partners are—objectively speaking—messes of human beings. Like everything else in their life, they waited until the last second to come up with their #weddinghashtag. And unsurprisingly, it sucks. But that doesn’t stop them from obnoxiously pushing everyone to use it throughout the day to make up for her lack of foresight.

“OMG, can you make sure to use #AustinLovesClaire when you post that?”

Yeah, you got it. *finger guns*

This couple could also be called “The Couple Who, If They Get Divorced In Three Years, People Will Only Ask What Happened To Be Polite.”

5. The Couple That Met on Bumble

Here’s that one couple we all know who met on a dating app and things worked out. Congrats to them on finding love. But if you catch wind that they’re incorporating this into their #weddinghashtag in any way, boycott the wedding.

#SwipedRightFoundLove. Really?

Why not just go with #StungByJason?

I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m #NotGoing. I’ll use the extra time to find better friends.

Maybe I’m just bitter.

My last name sucks for #weddinghashtags, which is why I think about this stuff. It’s “Kissam” (kiss-am), which sounds promising because you’ve got the ‘kiss’ in there to play with. But unless I marry the right girl, my #weddinghashtag is also going to have some chick named Sam in it.

“Sam? I thought her name was Charlotte?”

It is, Aunt Cathy. Can I finish my steak now? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ben Kissam is a writer and comedian. Find him on Medium: @benkissam.

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