When I Reactivated My OKCupid Profile

Take three attempts to remember your password from when you last logged into OKCupid.

Try to remember why you felt your OKCupid password should be different from the two or three passwords you normally use.

Laugh for a second about how your password has the word “poop” in it. Make a mental note to change your password soon.

Read a dialog box that reminds you that you’ll be unable to disable your OKCupid account for the next week. Consider this.

Be shocked and then unsurprised at how little the news feed has changed in the time you’ve been away.

Revisit all the regulars: the blonde musician you slept with on your first date that you see on the G train sometimes, the tiny redhead who introduced you to sushi bombs in Bushwick, the brunette account executive who used to work at an ad agency you used to work at. Their profiles will be exactly the same as before you disabled your account.

Look at your profile, and immediately upload new pictures because you don’t like the way your face fat, mouth corners or hair looks in the old ones. Delete them. It’s only been a few months, but you’re much prettier now.

Stress about the details of your profile, and recognize how much you’ve gone through since you last logged into OKCupid. Briefly consider your personal growth, and let yourself be impressed and happy for a moment. Then freak out again and realize you’re a different person now, and vow to tear down your bio and totally rewrite it.

Check your Quiver. It will never be populated with anybody worth contacting. Without a doubt, it will always be full of people who love sports, listen to the Foo Fighters on purpose, or are making duckface in their profile photos. Vow to auto-delete your Quiver from here on out.

Check your inbox. Pause at an old message from the girl for whom you disabled your OKCupid account in the first place.

Exhale. Listen to “Some Racing, Some Stopping” by Headlights on your iPod. Let your heart break a little bit.

Quickly obsess over the things you never got to do together: the weekend day trip to Montauk, the mock duck you wanted to introduce her to in the East Village, the concert in Prospect Park that you still have the tickets for, held up by a G train magnet on your fridge.

Remember your first everything. Remember how excellent it felt to hold hands when she got back from a few weeks in Mexico. Remember how excited you got when you discovered you both knew what euchre was. Remember the first dinner she cooked for you.

Remember that there’s a reason why it ended.

Reassure yourself that it’s OK that it ended.

Know that you’ll be friends one day. Know that the emotional scar tissue came with memories and life lessons. Know that even though an empty bed sucks, you’ll get over it because you always do.

For the love of God, close out of OKCupid and finish work. See The Avengers with a friend you should probably spend more time with. Give him the 30-second version of the past three months of your love life.

Take the L train home, and let yourself feel a little sad when you listen to Mogwai. Pass her subway stop before you get to yours and remember the last time you took the train to work together. Make eyes at the girl sitting across the train from you with the composition notebook bursting at the seams.

Walk into your apartment and see the towel she used when she was last at your apartment hanging over your door.

Put it in the hamper — the towel and everything else. Send your memories along with the towel to the laundromat to get them cleaned up.

Promise to keep making mistakes, to meet new people you can laugh with, to find new ways to make out with someone.

Start over.

Don’t shut yourself off.

You have a new message. TC mark

image – OkCupid


More From Thought Catalog

  • Guest

    I actually deactivated my account for six hours yesterday. Got bored, reactivated it, sent a message, then went to bed. Woke up to news that I received a new message. Awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/sophiakiona Sophia

    This is a fucking bummer. Also, I just straight up deleted my okc account, so that the next time I feel the need to go on there, it’ll be a fresh start and I won’t have the opportunity to look through old messages and feel sad about them, because that is something I doubt I would be able to resist doing.

  • http://twitter.com/lpburrows Patrick Burrows

    “Check your inbox. Pause at an old message from the girl for whom you disabled your OKCupid account in the first place.”
    Real life…

  • J.

    This makes me want to permanently delete my OkCupid profile. 

  • bep

    thought catalog writers!  how do you know what i’m thinking all the time?!
    oh human beings…we’re all the same.

  • Guestropod

    just disabled my account because this made me feel like still having it means I’m not committed to my relationship or something 

  • Eeqlzmc2

    now i know what “euchre” is:) 

  • Anonymous

    We’ve all been at this point some time in our life. Last time I decided to reactivate my profile, I actually got a message from someone, and this someone is now my everything and I love him more than anything. Just hang in there, it gets better! :)

  • Jessica

    i just reactivated my okcupid profile for the 3rd time

  • Megan

    i’m not sure exactly why (although i’m assuming it has something to do with wanting a ‘classic love story’ or something) but i feel very guilty that i met my boyfriend on okcupid. but reading this made it seem almost ‘classic,’ in a modern way. idk. i mean reading this also made me feel the feelings it was supposed to make me feel, too.

  • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler

    I broke when I saw “some racing, some stopping”  by Headlights. <3

  • Anne

    This web site is worse than being homeless

    It’s degrading my perspective on life to pathetic purple prose

    Why do I visit this web site :(

  • http://twitter.com/godwearsfendi Opik

    pfft I just joined the website, and seems no gay man want to be in long distance relationship 

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Heeeey there.  How far are we talking?

      • http://twitter.com/godwearsfendi Opik

        Hey. By far I mean really faaaaar. I live on the other side of the planet ughhh

  • http://twitter.com/pardimate Steph Carcieri

    “Check your Quiver. It will never be populated with anybody worth
    contacting. Without a doubt, it will always be full of people who love
    sports, listen to the Foo Fighters on purpose, or are making duckface in
    their profile photos.”

    Well at least we know you’re concentrating on the important parts of who a person is.

    • idunno

      um those things all say a lot about a person, especially to someone who is not interested in that stuff.

      • http://twitter.com/pardimate Steph Carcieri

         You’re right, what was I thinking?  No one has ever had a successful relationship with someone who liked different music than them or who had a few interests that their partner didn’t share.  Gosh, those ARE the secrets to a meaningful connection.


     Deleted my last account, made a new one then get a QUIVER match with the reason why I ended my last account in the first place. I give up.

  • Danaynay

    I can’t decide if I like or hate OKC. Lots of dates, opportunities for sex and (best of all) recurring chances to talk about your quirky self ad nauseum coupled with regret, doubt and self-loathing. Worth it?

  • jdub

    i literally just disabled my account two hours before reading this…..sigh..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13003781 Jacqueline Rae Shuman

    Ugh. This hit way too close to home.  I wish I could erase all these memories from my mind, too. I feel for you. 

  • Andrea

    This makes me want to get an OKCupid profile just so I can experience what y’all are talking about… 

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