Thought Catalog

I Hate My Girlfriend’s Body Pillow

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Look, I love you, okay? And I especially love sleeping with you. But not with your pillow. Here’s why.

The leopard print pillowcase. Okay. You love leopard print. I’m not crazy about it; I’m working on being okay with it. But not in bed. Our apartment, as a whole, has a minimalist aesthetic to it, painstakingly selected from the Ikea in Red Hook. Your pillowcase feels like Hoboken sitting in the middle of Brooklyn.

Three is a crowd. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but our bed is only a full. And this, coupled with your arbitrary “no pillows on the floor” rule, even when you’re not using them, leads to a really crowded situation in Sleepyland. Does your body pillow pay rent? Is it getting screwed by the debt ceiling compromise? No? Put it on the floor.

It undermines compromise in bed. Sometimes we haggle about the right way to sleep with each other based on sinus congestion and sore backs and desired body proximity. But the body pillow takes away my leverage to negotiate, and I’m always trumped – you can (and often do) default to it and make yourself comfortable while I get the shaft. It’s like always getting dealt the left and right bauers in a game of Euchre: with the body pillow, I’m going to need a four trump against you in order to have any semblance of hope at winning in bed.

It makes me feel like a dildo for your life. The second I climb out of bed, you snap up your body pillow and mold it to where I had been lying, and then you immediately fall asleep again. This makes me feel like you don’t really need me in bed; you just need a terraform of some kind to wrap your arms around to put your soul at ease.

It’s like you’re cheating on me in front of my eyes. After I get out of the shower, you’re still perfectly asleep with a slight smile on your face, canoodling the body pillow. My mind immediately drifts back to your former lovers – did you cradle them just like this?  Do you miss them? Do they have something that I don’t? Did you push their beards against the grain like you do mine? When you cling to that pillow, I feel like I’m peeking through a wormhole into your past. How can you ever possibly miss me in bed when I’m so easily replaced?

I know I’m not perfect – for the love of God, I’m the type of guy who will write a few hundred words about a pillow. And I recognize this. But that pillow burns me in the same way that my mentioning ex-girlfriend’s name hurts you. So I’ve modified my rhetoric, and I selfishly just wish that, for me, you could change this one little thing.

Or, at least get rid of the goddamn leopard pillowcase. TC mark

image – Squirrel Cottage

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=46601588 Meghan McCrimmon

      I don’t think I’ve seen a reference to Euchre since I lived in Northern Michigan.  Well played, sir.

      • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

        Well huh. I didn’t know Euchre wasn’t more common. But I’m originally from Ontario, which borders Michigan.

      • http://twitter.com/misterdisco Ben Breier

        I’m from Toledo – about half an hour from Ann Arbor.

        • http://profiles.google.com/ami.drl Ami Li

          As a displaced Ann Arborite reading Thought Catalog in Beijing, the euchre reference was indeed brilliant. Echoing the above – well played, sir.

      • CC

        They play Euchre even in boring old New York State too, you guys… though maybe that’s just my grandparents. 

      • Anonymous

        what’s Euchre?

    • Brononymous

      If she reads this, you’ll definitely get replaced by the body pillow.

    • A_Michigander

      love the Euchre reference.  are you from Michigan?  

      • http://twitter.com/misterdisco Ben Breier

        I’m originally from Toledo – but the border is a 10-15 minute walk from the house I grew up in.

      • AniReina

        Represent!!!!! 

    • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

      But seriously, does she have wide hips or anything? The way my body is shaped, it is very uncomfortable to sleep on my side unless I have a body or a pillow to help prop the top side up off the bed more. It’s not that the pillow is replacing you; I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of not wanting to wake up with sore hips or shoulders or something.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5740314 Fernando Alejandro Perez

        How do you explain that loving and blissful smile then?  I bet if the pillow could talk and make breakfast, he’d have been replaced…or never even happened.

        • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

          The smile? It’s because she’s thinking of how sweet and thoughtful you are. How, even as much as you hate that pillow, you still understand that she needs it and you let her hug it in your absence. ;)

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5740314 Fernando Alejandro Perez

          Whoa, whoa, whoa, I NEVER told her I hated that pillow!!!  Someone’s been reading my diary x.x  I didn’t even know anyone knew I HAD a diary!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Caroline-Evertz/25521401 Caroline Evertz

      I resent the Hoboken in Brooklyn comment :) Plenty of classy, non-leopard print loving folks across the Hudson!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Caroline-Evertz/25521401 Caroline Evertz

      I resent the Hoboken in Brooklyn comment :) Plenty of classy, non-leopard print loving folks across the Hudson!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Caroline-Evertz/25521401 Caroline Evertz

      I resent the Hoboken in Brooklyn comment :) Plenty of classy, non-leopard print loving folks across the Hudson!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      i’m the body pillow

    • DChick

      Love this piece. My boyfriend and I both sleep with body pillows. We snuggle until we are sleepy, then we grab our body pillows and turn our backs to each other!  If someone witnessed our sleeping habits it would look like we want nothing to do with one another.

    • Lily Dawn

      Body pillows are creepy.

    • Anonymous Hippo

      maybe if you are a tad more fluffier, then she’ll make you her body pillow

    • guest

      “I know I’m not perfect – for the love of God, I’m the type of guy who will write a few hundred words about a pillow.”
      Brilliant

    • douchegirl

      I miss the idea of sleeping with my ex-boyfriend but not actually sleeping with him. I was never able to get comfortable and it was so hot all the time. 

    • Asdf

      Funny. I love your girlfriend’s body pillow.

    • ASH

      THIS is a good writer duder guy! -A wannabe writer gal

    • xra

      wait what the fuck is a body pillow

    • Body pillow LOVER!

      Ugh. I can’t sleep without a body pillow. Seriously, just try it. It’s like comfortably draping yourself over your lover, except you don’t have to worry about suffocating him/her or numbing their limbs.

    • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

      The dildo of her life!!!!!!!!! OH MY AWESOME!

    • Ugh

      You are correct. She does not need you in bed. No real woman needs a man for much elseas than foot massages and the occasional oil change. Cease being a whining pussified wimp and go sleep on your rock hard mass produced minimalistic sofa.

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