Dear new employee,
Congratulations! You’ve been hired. As your manager, allow me to welcome you to the 24/7-Mart family. We are a diverse team, and your coworkers come from all walks of life. We hire students who never last more than a couple months, foreign refugees who barely speak English, self-loathing middle-aged failures, and snotty teenagers forced by their parents to get a job. Despite what our brochures and website say, we offer no benefits, no flexibility, and absolutely no career progression opportunities. As an expendable peon, you will be forced to submit entirely to our will, lest you wish to be cast into bitter and empty unemployment. In order to better prepare you for the soul-crushing journey ahead, let’s cover the basics of the responsibilities and indignities you will face.
1. You are permanently a part-time worker
You and all of your coworkers are part-time workers. Yes, even Margie, the late 50-something woman who’s been working here longer than anyone else. Part-time employees are great because they don’t require holidays, vacations, benefits, a set work schedule, or any kind of job security. You are all expendable slaves to my whim. I can give you forty hours a week, or just four. Whether or not you can afford to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself really isn’t any of my concern.
2. Your pay raises are negligible at best
Remember how I mentioned Margie, who’s been a loyal employee here since the dawn of time? She barely makes over a dollar more than you! Every year we promise you a pay raise based on your performance. If I can dream up enough dings against you, I don’t have to increase your pay at all! Of course, you may be wondering how I manage to evaluate you at all, considering the fact that…
3. I’m barely ever here
Every once in a while I come in and sit in the back office. I make it look like I’m crunching numbers and reviewing the books, but most of the time I’m drinking coffee while playing Minesweeper or staring at the wall. Sometimes I walk around the store trying my best to look important, and I look for work to make you do. However, it’s rare for me to even be here. Unlike you, I’m not paid by the hour. I make a set salary. Therefore I’m able to take all the time off I want. I usually state it’s for funerals, surgery, sickness, and when I’m not assed enough to lie, vacation. As a matter of fact, I’m about to take a month off for maternity leave. For the third time.
4. You are always on-call
As my newest employee, you will be the first person I call whenever I need someone to fill a shift. This can happen at any time. I will call you at 6 AM when Margie calls in sick. I will call you an hour after you’ve finished your shift to make you work another when I realize I screwed up the schedule. I will call you in the middle of the night when the graveyard shift worker’s spirit breaks and he walks out on the job. I will call you when you thought it was safe to have a drink and a social life with your friends. Should you refuse to come in to work, I will deem you as unreliable, and I will ding you. This is a win-win situation for me as this gives me the excuse to not give you a raise and swiftly fire you whenever I want.
5. We do not offer flexibility, we demand it
You know how our “now hiring” poster states we offer flexible hours and a schedule which works for you? That’s a complete lie! You work whenever I want you to work, which will often be the least convenient or desirable times for you! I will never give you a set weekly schedule. Your hours and shifts are subject to change without notice. If you tell me you absolutely cannot work a certain time and date, I will do my best to promptly forget this information and schedule you for that time and date. Failure to make your shift will result in me dinging you.
6. You will get no holidays
Our location is open 24/7, 365-366 days per year. This means we’re open on the holidays. Obviously we need some poor sucker to work those holidays so the rest of us can spend time with our families, friends, cats, and/or liquor. I hope you don’t have any plans for Christmas, New Years, New Years Eve, Thanksgiving, or Easter. I also don’t care. You will work every single holiday. Or I’ll ding you.
7. Our customers are assholes
Strangely, a lot of people who shop here are miserable middle-to-late-aged men and women who loathe their own boring lives so much that they want to make you hate yours. They will achieve this through arguing, taunting, yelling, condescending, and generally demeaning you as they know you are forced to silently take their abuse (or I’ll fire you). We also get a lot of kids who like to shoplift (which I’ll ding you for). Underage teenagers will annoy you endlessly as they piss, moan, and beg you to sell them cigarettes and lottery tickets. Some of our customers are actually undercover “mystery shoppers” whose only job is to get you fired for failing to ask for ID. I hope (though sincerely don’t care if) you aren’t afraid of feces and urine, as many of our customers enjoy decorating our bathroom with their own bodily fluids and solids. You bet your ass you’re the one who’s cleaning it!
And there you have it, new employee! We’re excited to have you on-board. We look forward to having you mindlessly slave away for us at a thankless dead-end job until you find a real career, bitterly quit, or I fire you. Speaking of which, I’m off to let Margie go for failing to ID a 30-year-old mystery shopper.