We were the power couple in the eyes of our loved ones. We’ve had it rough but we made it through. You were there during my shining moments and most especially, you were there when the world was crashing down on me. They were all seeing a perfect beautiful couple from their point of view. And that’s when I realized that maybe we were destined to be in each other’s lives. That maybe God paved the way for us to meet, for us to be able to share the overflowing love we had inside our body and soul.
But love wasn’t always pretty. I didn’t know that love was supposed to hurt. I never knew that loving someone too much actually gives the other person the power of hurting you in the most unimaginable way. It never crossed my mind that you could hurt me. I didn’t believe you would do so. Then, you left.
At one point, you had me convinced that I did something wrong somewhere between all those laughs and happy moments we shared together. How was it fair to be the one who was left behind and still made believe that I was the one lacking in the relationship?
Days turned into months. Days that I tried waking up in the morning with the hope it wouldn’t sting that much anymore. Months that I diverted my attention thinking this would make me forget but only to see a single thing that would make all our memories resurface.
I ran back to you for so many times, I ran and kept circling, chasing the impossible reality of getting my life back, getting you to go back to me. And the more I run, the more you drift away. The farther I go, the farther I lose myself. It was a total black hole, never knowing how I will escape because this love I feel for you kept gravitating me towards your direction and it seemed I can’t even have a grasp of my own life.
That’s when it dawned on me that holding on too tight was the sole reason I kept hurting. That these multiple wounds I had, were caused by the clenched grip I was afraid of loosening because I thought if I kept fighting for you, persistence might make you crawl back to me.
So, I let go.
I let go of you.
I let go of the feelings I had for you.
I let go of the things causing cracks.
Because cracks only stop deepening once you decide to let yourself heal.
I was lonely, sad, mad, and hurt. I was terrorized by my own false hopes. I thought getting you back would heal the wounds and we could return to square one. But you are detrimental to me. I was so obsessed of trying to have you in my life again that I forgot how happy I can be without the toxicity you caused me. And now every time I look for gentleness in your palms, it reminds me of the sharp stings you gave me.
I am now running away from you.
Not because I fear experiencing the same torment I had when you left me. But because I know now that getting you back might not be able to hurt me further, but one thing’s for sure — you can never heal me.
You are the shard of glass that slit my skin and made me bleed. And the exact same thing can never have the ability to suture this wound.