I never meant to harm anyone. He was my friend, and all I wanted for him was to be happy. We were friends way before you two began dating. Still, that doesn’t change the fact what I did was wrong. I never initiated anything with him though. That was all him, and I cared about him. It was simple as that.
I knew you two were together, boyfriend and girlfriend, I was happy, I supported you two. I never tried to sabotage your relationship with him. He was the one who would come to me when he was intoxicated and tried with me, all the time. I tried to stop him, but the inevitable happened. Next thing I know, I would be in his room, hating myself for what happen.
I always confronted him about all this, saying never to do anything like this again, always having you in mind. He said he wouldn’t, he said he cared about you and that only YOU mattered to him. Then I would see you two being together, all happy and whatnot. I always felt guilty. This happened every other week. He would say the exact same thing over and over again. I didn’t know what to do or say. We had the same friends. He was always there.
This whole situation drove me crazy, I didn’t know what to do or say, how to keep everyone happy, how to just be myself in general. I kept my distance from him, stopped hanging out with our mutual friends in order to maintain some sort of sanity for myself. Our friends questioned why I didn’t hang out with them as often as before. I simply smiled and said I was busy. I never intended to be that other women. Believe me, I’m not that type of girl. I care for my friends deeply. I personally don’t know you, nor do I have the intentions to, so why would I want to cause you harm?
After a month or so, I decided that it was safe to hang out with our mutual friends again. We all hung out again, he was also there. It didn’t matter, we all went out, got drunk, acted like everything was normal again. I felt better after a while, I thought we could put all of this behind. Oh, how wrong was I. I crashed on my friend’s futon, I was too intoxicated to go home. I just went to sleep. I didn’t think anything was going to happen. I didn’t expect him to be right next to me, trying to feel me up. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I really didn’t. I just wanted to be with my friends again, have everything as it was before. I was wrong. None of that could happen if he continued this way.
I didn’t want to feel like a piece of crap, didn’t want things to be this way, I really wanted everything to be the way it was before. Next thing I knew, I would find myself crying over this whole matter. I didn’t want to tell my friends, I didn’t want to tell my family, I didn’t want to be judge for this. This isn’t the kind of person I wanted to be. I knew I cared for him, but I couldn’t have this continue. I don’t want to be that kind of girl. I don’t want to cry over this matter anymore.
I wrote him a letter after this whole incident, saying to never contact me again, talk to me again, and we are practically strangers to each other. If he ever did anything to me again, I would tell you everything that happened. He made contact with me a month after the letter, he was trying to be civil with me, trying to be my friend again. How can I be friends with him when I know he caused me harm, after I was the one who tried so hard to just be friends, as well as him being the one who ruined everything. I just wanted all of my friends to be happy. From the bottom of my heart that’s all I wanted.
Since then, I haven’t spoken to him, he saw me and tried to speak to me, but I didn’t make any eye contact and simply ignored him, you were there too, but I didn’t say anything to you either. I rather have you see me as a jerk than anything else. I hear you ask about my relationship with him with our mutual friends, I guess you suspect something, but I personally don’t care. To be honest, if you ever confronted me, I wouldn’t say a word, even if he did all this to me again. Even if this is a cycle that just repeated itself, I just couldn’t, all I ever wanted for him was to be happy, and I stick by that statement to this day. If he is smiling then I don’t care, I’d never tell.
From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. And I mean it. I truly am sorry. Be happy with him, that’s all I ever wanted.