Here’s a quick cheat sheet of social media’s biggest sins so we can all strive not be such wankers:
1. Gratuitous selfies.
First cab off the rank are selfies, or any photo of trim, toned body parts alongside a predictable caption like: “Train insane or remain the same.” Bonus points if the photo is of your reflection in your gym mirror.
But, really. Bravo for working out. That’s great. However, unless you exercised in nothing more than your birthday suit and got explosive hemorrhoids during a weight lifting session, no one cares.
2. Smug engagement posts.
And second in line in the list of toe-curling offenders. “She said yes!” or “He put a ring on it!” accompanied by a cheesy photo of the candid (read: staged) moment is more contrived than carrying around a selfie stick. I’m sure people sit around mind-mapping their proposal plans, catering not just to their spouse-to-be but also factoring in what will garner the most likes on social media. Call me crazy, but I’m of the opinion that these milestones should be sacred and best enjoyed without the omnipresent smart phone.
3. The ring photo.
Once he’s “put a ring on it,” prepare yourself for a slew of posts featuring said diamond-cut sparkler from Tiffany & Co., complete with x number of carats and x number of aubergines (pardon my lackluster ring lingo). Not long after, this “future wifey” (another phrase that needs to die) will undoubtedly flaunt her ring in a picture that’s masqueraded as an apparent outfit snap. Her caption might say that it’s a “ripped denim jeans and a Breton stripe kinda Friday,” but with her engagement ring resting nonchalantly on her trousers, her true motives become apparent. WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING.
4. The quick last-name-change.
While we’re on the topic of marriage, shout out to the dweebs who update their surname on Facebook moments after saying “I do.” Get off your phone, go back to your wedding, and eat some goddamn sponge cake, will you??
5. Job gloating.
This has obviously been around long before social media, but it’s only now that we have fun hashtags like #lovemyjob and #justanotherdayintheoffice. Hashtags that accompany photos of this star employee kicking back on a tropical island or rubbing shoulders with the elite at a glitzy industry party. Y’know — to help spread the smugness.
6. General gloating.
It’s not just careers people are bragging about, these days no good deed can fly under the radar. Whether we’re donating blood or helping out a soup kitchen, it seems it doesn’t really count unless you can let the world know how much of a legend human you are too.
7. Casual racism.
No. Just no.
8. Throwing back on Thursday.
Throwback Thursday, or #tbt, is the perfect breeding ground for the vain. “Here’s me flexing in my skimpy Euro trunks, for no other reason than to parade my fit early ’20s rig!” “Remember that time my boyfriend gave me a #Chanel handbag? I’m so incredibly #blessed!”
9. Name dropping.
Name dropping has been elevated to a whole new level of cringe thanks to Instagram. People are genuinely uploading screenshots of their notification page, informing them a celebrity (of varying degrees of fame) is now following them. Huzzah! I once made a cheese sandwich for Danny DeVito.* Should we throw a joint party to celebrate?
10. Duck face selfies.
And what’s odd about this one is they’ve had more than enough bad press, yet they’re still alive and kicking. What a touching legacy we’re leaving behind for our future generations.
11. The “be jealous” photo.
Any travel photo of a beach, island, or landmark with the haggard old phrase, “From where you’d rather be.” It wasn’t cool when Corona did it, and it’s certainly not working now.
12. Flaunting the offspring.
Having a child is a wondrous occasion, and it’s only natural as a parent to think the sun shines out of your sprog’s backside. But just because your kid can spit out some words and count on cue does not make them Doogie Howser. Unless your little one has as much swagger as the charismatic “Apparently” champ of YouTube fame, it might be time to pop them off that pedestal.
13. Food photos.
No one gives a shit about what you had for lunch, or the fact that you spent a quarter of your monthly wage on an over-priced meal purely so you could “check in” to the on-trend restaurant. Sod that. Viva la Baked Beans!
14. Green juice chronicles.
The righteous clean eating movement won’t be going anywhere soon, and despite the fact that we have more than enough green juice recipes and healthy living blogs to last us until the next millennium.
15. Any feed that aspires to copy Dan Bilzerian.
You have fun with your STDs.
*Never made cheese sandwich for Danny, but one day hopes to.