It’s basic human instinct to want what we can’t have. When I was 8, all I wanted was a pony. Dad said he’d get me a 3-legged one on the side of the road for a hundred bucks but that’s as close as I ever got. A few years later, I was certain my life would be complete if I had a ginger lop-eared rabbit. Sadly, I never got the rabbit but I was allowed hermit crabs instead. Thanks mum. At 25, I’ve moved on from fluffy animals and find myself gravitating towards dudes more unattainable than R-Pattz and Gosling combined; not because they look like them in any capacity, but because of big kid shit like great ocean divides I’ve got more chance of winning the lottery than getting the boy.
We waste a lot of time, energy and bandwidth pining over those we can’t have. If our Facebook history could talk, we’d be screwed. And until a magical crush-be-gone pill is invented I’ve devised this list that should do the trick, because when you’re love sick it can be like having an all-consuming illness. Here’s how to get it out of your system stat:
1. Go backwards in their profile pictures and marvel at the horror, you’ll be turned off in no time. Adult acne! An unkempt monobrow! An Ed Hardy T-shirt! You can’t hold my heart captive any longer buddy – you used to be a hairy ogre with horrific style.
2. Picture them doing the most unattractive thing you can think of every time you’re on knife’s edge to making contact. For some people it’s your dream boat taking a dump. Or maybe wearing a paisley vest with elephant trunk jeans. Or better yet, picture them taking a dump wearing a paisley vest and elephant trunk jeans. Brilliant. Are you repulsed yet?
3. Kill them off and pretend they are dead. Delete their number and unfriend them on Facebook and all other social media. Out of sight, out of mind. If you just can’t bring yourself to hit delete, unsubscribing so they don’t pop up in your feed also works a treat. While cutting someone out of your life that you were formerly attached to stings more than chlamydia, it’s one of the most effective ways of moving on.
4. Implement the not-allowed-to-talk-about-them rule not only for the benefit of yourself but for your mate’s long-suffering ears. Yep, rattling on and on about Mr Jerkus-Melerkus is as about as interesting as your super wacky dream you had last night and debating as to whether or not you should get bangs. Once you cut down on the verbal over-analyzing, your mind will follow suit.
5. Finally, in the wise words of relationship guru Zoe Foster Blake, always remember it takes twenty-three seconds to reply to a text. Two. Three. So when their phone goes beep and they look at your message with no excitement and put it back in their pocket: they’re not worth it. Imagine them doing this every time you text them. Ouchies yes, but you deserve the world, not some chump who can’t respond to your efforts in a timely, respectful and witty manner. No banter? No play. Save your awesomeness for someone who would slay a thousand unicorns for your heart.
What’s that? You STILL like them? May I suggest you buy a one-way ticket to Uzbekistan and become a yak farmer? That’s sure to keep you pre-occupied.