While finding a potential suitor in the time of Tinder is easier than getting Miley Cyrus to take her clothes off, it can also come with some pretty big risks. When you’re meeting random chumps off the internet the biggest dilemma is figuring out if they’re a good egg or not.
Sure, anyone can be charming, cute and full of compliments when you’re hanging out but when you bid farewell to your net-babe what the hell happens behind closed doors? Do they collect their toenails in a jar? Do they log onto Chatroulette dressed in drag making manginas? Are they a Belieber?
Here are some tell-tale signs you might be dating a Secret Creep:
They only like pictures of skanky girls on Instagram. It might seem trite to judge someone on their digital footprint but it can reveal a lot about a person. Think of it as the modern-day equivalent of getting to peak inside their bedroom. If your Tinder-fella is only hitting like on shameless pics of near-naked chicks with fake boobs taking mirror selfies he very well could be a S.C. and it’s a good indication of the types of girls he’s interested in. A friend of mine was seeing a dude she met online who would like almost 20 photos a day – all of which were of women who looked like they were straight out of bad Britney film clip and it turned out he was a royal douche canoe…
Their Facebook likes also give great insight. Any man who is a fan of pages such as The Box Gap, Sexy Skinny Girls, Hot Chicks with Power Tools and other sexist filth should be approached with caution.
Another hot tip: be wary of folk with over 1000 Facebook friends. No one actually has that many mates IRL, it means they’re a numbers person and don’t believe in culling randoms because they think it looks cool to have friends in the triple digits. In other words, they’re shallow.
They reference the fact they lurk you online like it’s no big deal. Yes I realize this kind of contradicts my above point but the golden rule of The Internet is that everybody lurks, you just don’t talk about it – especially not with your crush! It’s as faux pas as asking your mom and dad how their sex life is. Definitely be weirded out if they refer to past events like the time you went to the Greek Islands in 2010 or say things like ‘I saw a photo of your sister. You guys look so alike!’
They make grand plans but never follow through. “I want to introduce you to my friends.” or “I’d love to go away with you.” “I need to take you to this really cool restaurant.” And then nothing. Nada. Zip. They drop off the face of the earth and deflate you with radio silence only to resurface a few weeks later with a half-arsed text message at 8:30 on a Saturday night and no explanation as to why they’ve been MIA.
Truthfully they’ve probably been so busy on back-to-back Tinder dates they forgot you existed but they need to strike while the iron is hot or the romance will fade fast. It’s tempting to give them the benefit of the doubt and kid yourself they’ve been busy with work (which is the biggest cop out ever by the way). So just remember this: on average it takes 23 seconds to write a text message and he’s left you in the lurch for how many days? Delete the jerk-faces’ number immediately.
They use fake tan. How an earth can you trust an orange man who cares more about his appearance than you? No further explanation needed.
They want to come home with you on the first date. Secret Creeps are just dying to get into your pants and if the first date revolves around shit loads of booze they’re simply trying to liquor you up and get you horizontal. They’ll happily invite themselves back to your place, promising a night full of PG spooning but it won’t take long for the Creepenstein to come out and play.
Remember, in the beginning dates should be fun and well thought out. If alcohol and sex are the focal point to all your catch-ups and you’ve never done a sober activity in the broad light of day, you’ve got a massive Secret Creep on your hands. Run girl, RUN!