Is it possible to die from a broken heart? I ask this because I feel like I just might. This thought takes me to one of favorite Star Wars episode. It is a scene where Padme says to Darth Vader, “Anakin, you are breaking my heart.” And then not long after this scene, she quite literally dies of a broken heart. While I know this is fiction, it makes me wonder if it is indeed possible?
My heart hurts so much that at times I don’t know if I can keep going. It’s crazy to think that you can feel like you are dying over the pain caused by someone who doesn’t love you. Someone who probably never did. Foolishness. He never even deserved my love. What’s worse is that he never did anything to win my love. I just foolishly and blindly handed him my heart on a silver platter. A heart that I had worked on over 4 years to piece back together.
Thinking back though, I don’t know that there was ever really anything that I could have done differently. I don’t believe that you can choose who you fall in love with. I believe it is something that just happens. If it could be controlled, so many broken hearts could be prevented. Nobody would ever feel the pain of unrequited love. No one would ever know how good they have it either because they would have never felt pain.
At times I feel like it would be easier to hate him. At times I feel it would be easier to be angry at him. But the truth of it is that he didn’t ask me to fall in love with him. He didn’t try to get me to fall in love with him either. He did absolutely nothing to cause it, other than to be himself. It’s not his fault that I fell in love with him.
I can say this because I have been in his shoes before. Is this karma getting back at me? I might be tempted to think so, but again I do not believe that you can choose who to love. Therefor I cannot be held accountable for not loving the other person. Very much the same way that he cannot be held accountable for not loving me.
So, if my brain knows all of this, then why, oh why, is it still so hard to get over him? Why is it so hard to move on? Why do I hurt the way that I do? This is hardly my first heartbreak. I know that there is life on the other side. I even know that there is the possibility of love on the other side as well. So then, why am I stuck here? Hurting ever so intensely. Why do I hold on to what I thought we had? I know that it was only ever in my head. I know that it was only ever in my heart. I know that it was only ever in my vision. Clearly, he didn’t share any of it. So why can’t I just drop it, stop caring, stop hurting and move forward? Why can’t I just be happy again? I do have my moments where I feel happy. Where I feel like I can move past this. Unfortunately for me though, they are just fleeting moments and nothing else.
I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster day in and day out. I feel like such a fake every time that I show up to work or interact with anyone at all. I just want to be all alone. I don’t want to have to deal with the world. I don’t want to have to put on a happy face, but I also don’t want anyone to know how I truly feel inside either. I want to disappear until I’m fully healed and recovered. Unfortunately, though that’s not an option because of work and my children and all the other mundane grownup responsibilities that I must tend to. I can’t say though how many freaking times I’ve considered letting everything go and having the kids move in with their dad or other family members. Well actually just the younger one. The older one is old enough that she should be able to fend for herself. But then, the guilt sets in. What kind of mother would do that?? What kind of adult would do that? What kind of independent, strong and brave woman would fucking lose her shit just because a guy didn’t love her back???
So, can you die from a broken heart? I sure as hell hope not because it’s certainly not worth it.