I used to be a spark, ready to ignite my own way, but now I’m buried in my own darkness. The words used to pour from me like a waterfall, but now I’m grasping for each letter like they are my stepping stones out of this place.
Most days I wake up and I can’t even recognize myself. My anxiety takes hold of me the moment I open my eyes to begin my day, and I don’t always come back from that. I replay the worst things I’ve ever said to you over and over and over again. I’m the broken record stuck on the last note of your least favorite song; just when you think it’s over, it starts again. And again. And again.
Every time I think this might be my new beginning, I only seem to find an end. You opened my eyes to what love could be, and then you made sure I knew that none of that could ever be for me. The smallest moments can spark the greatest hope, but behind that hope all I see is defeat.
I take on too much and always wonder how I got buried so deep. Everyone has limits, and I fear I will never truly learn mine. Or maybe I have found them, but I can never respect those boundaries. I always feel the need to do more, more, more when my brain is screaming less.
I want to do less. I want to be okay with less. I want to believe that I am not less than for not doing more than everyone around me. I want to focus on who I am becoming, not how far I haven’t come. I want to live my life instead of watching it all pass me by. I just want to be.
I used to be a rainbow, but not anymore. I used to be so vivid, so vibrant, and so ready to take on the world. Where have all my colors gone? I’m like a paint by numbers, except all of the numbers are missing and I’m just blank. How can you finish something if you don’t even know where to start? How can I find myself when I don’t even know where I’ve gone?
I used to be a rainbow, but now there is no color here.