Where Did All Of Your Light Go?

I used to be a spark, ready to ignite my own way, but now I’m buried in my own darkness. The words used to pour from me like a waterfall, but now I’m grasping for each letter like they are my stepping stones out of this place.

Most days I wake up and I can’t even recognize myself. My anxiety takes hold of me the moment I open my eyes to begin my day, and I don’t always come back from that. I replay the worst things I’ve ever said to you over and over and over again. I’m the broken record stuck on the last note of your least favorite song; just when you think it’s over, it starts again. And again. And again.

Every time I think this might be my new beginning, I only seem to find an end. You opened my eyes to what love could be, and then you made sure I knew that none of that could ever be for me. The smallest moments can spark the greatest hope, but behind that hope all I see is defeat.

I take on too much and always wonder how I got buried so deep. Everyone has limits, and I fear I will never truly learn mine. Or maybe I have found them, but I can never respect those boundaries. I always feel the need to do more, more, more when my brain is screaming less.

I want to do less. I want to be okay with less. I want to believe that I am not less than for not doing more than everyone around me. I want to focus on who I am becoming, not how far I haven’t come. I want to live my life instead of watching it all pass me by. I just want to be.

I used to be a rainbow, but not anymore. I used to be so vivid, so vibrant, and so ready to take on the world. Where have all my colors gone? I’m like a paint by numbers, except all of the numbers are missing and I’m just blank. How can you finish something if you don’t even know where to start? How can I find myself when I don’t even know where I’ve gone?

I used to be a rainbow, but now there is no color here. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author
Like if a unicorn were a person going through an emo phase. Follow Becky on Instagram or read more articles from Becky on Thought Catalog.

Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page.