What am I doing wrong? What is it about me that screams “tempting, but not worth your time”? Why am I the only one who is always left behind?
Am I too nice for my own good?
Or maybe I welcome in all of the wrong ones while I shut out all of the good.
I have sat through hours of conversations I never wanted to be in, and yet all I can get in return is a muffled hello and a nod of acknowledgement that you would probably give to any other stranger on the street. Some days, it’s like you don’t even know me at all. Was I ever even worth your time?
I realize now that you will never actually be mine. But I don’t think I will ever stop hoping that one day you will prove us all wrong.
I don’t know why my eyes scream abandon me when my heart whispers please stay. I am not sure how it is possible for one person to be so full of warmth, and yet completely cold to a stranger’s touch. It’s like I have become the definition of “here for a good time, not for a long time.”
Each year, I will get your Christmas cards and will read all about the beautiful life you were able to build without me. And each year, I will set up a place for one at a table that has never felt anything close to inviting. I’ll be your fling, the one you can always count on when everyone else fails. But, once you find the one that you really want, it will be like I never existed at all.
This is why I have convinced myself that I never needed anyone. I have become determined to make it on my own, and it’s not just to prove my own strength.
No. It’s to prove everyone else right. Maybe some people really are just better off on their own.
And I think I am one of those people.
Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. But sometimes, it does.
Sometimes, it really, truly does.