There are days when I wish I could apologize for my entire life. I wish I could say sorry to everyone whose life I have affected, because I can’t always see the benefits of having me around.
I complain a lot, I talk too little. I am always worried, and I am always upset. I am overly dramatic and honestly just too much.
I am a lot, and I wish that I could keep that better under control around other people. There are days when I wish I could move somewhere else just to isolate myself so that no one else would have to deal with me.
Because most of the time I don’t see myself as a person, but more like a nuisance, a pest. I am the one who brings the mood down any time I am not feeling okay. I rarely feel okay.
Maybe if I could learn to better manage my feelings, I wouldn’t be so alone. Maybe you never would have left me. Maybe I would be married right now with half as many worries.
But that isn’t the life that I chose. I chose this.
The life of someone who is pretty sure 99.9% of the time they are doing everything wrong. The life of someone who is always scared to take the next step because so far, every other one has felt like a dead end.
I feel like a dead end.
Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough for anything? Like no matter how hard you try, you will always be wrong? You wake up and you are already disappointed.
It’s like you are running in circles, and any time you think you have found a way out, it fails you. You bounce from idea to idea with the hope that maybe this time, this will be the one to set you free.
But it never is.
And sometimes it feels like you will never find that “aha” moment. Sometimes it feels like you were born to fail.
My kindergarten teacher told my parents I would grow up to be a failure. I wonder if she is sitting somewhere, proud of herself for her honesty. Or maybe she regrets her words and wonders if they still bother me as much as they bother her.
Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day that everything changes. The magical day you always hear about but doubt you will ever find. Maybe today will be that day, or maybe I will only find another dead end.
Whichever way my day goes, I swear I will never give up. A dead end cannot exist without the right beginning for you to find.