Be The Light In Your Own Darkness

bokeh photography
Caleb Woods / Unsplash

These are the days when I hate myself. I can only see the darkness within, even when the light is screaming to get out. It’s clawing through the worst parts of me, desperately seeking an answer I can never give it.

Even when the sun rises, why won’t my darkness fade?

Why can’t I just rest in the fact that some days there will be darkness but others, there could be so much light. I just want to find my light.

It’s like every time I start to have a breakthrough, the smallest moment catches me off-guard, and I sink.

Is there a point when you just cannot sink anymore? Because I have hit rock bottom and somehow woken up below that.

How could anyone even fathom what is below that?

Close your eyes and picture the thing that has scared you the most in your life. Open your eyes and realize that you are looking in the mirror.

Myself.

I am so damn afraid of myself and the things that I feel and the emotions that I cannot turn off. I am afraid of the way I seem to lose everyone I care so deeply about, all because I cannot quiet my own mind. I dream of the day I learn to leave “well enough” alone so that I can finally live in my blissful ignorance instead of indulging in my aggressive anxiety.

You were right. No one will want me like this. And there are days when the idea of loneliness does not scare me. And then there are nights like tonight where I would give anything to not be so alone.

I wish that I could tell you how I really feel about you, even though I think you already know. It has been almost two years now, and we are almost exactly where we started. I have no real reason to believe that you don’t like me, but I suppose the reverse is true as well. How could you like me when I don’t even like myself?

You deserve someone who is capable of being whole; I deserve the incompleteness I have been dealt.

I am often too angry, too anxious, too sad, too tired. I am often too much. I am not an easy one to handle, and I am starting to realize that my handling is no problem but my own.

I deserve what I wish for other people. I know I do.

But it is nights like tonight that tell me, maybe I am not one of the lucky few.

It is then that I close my eyes and do my best to remember that even though the darkness around me may never quite fade, I have seen lightness and know that it exists because without it, neither would my darkness.

And that small flicker of hope is enough to light the rest of my way. TC mark

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