I Wish You Would Have Told Me Sooner

woman walking on sidewalk near red and white signal thing changed road signage
Alexandre Godreau / Unsplash

Your eyes told a story the rest of you was desperately trying to avoid.
Your touch was careful,
Easy, delicate.
All the words that don’t describe me.

I saw the way you looked at me that night, and I just knew. I knew this wasn’t going to be one of those things I would eventually just forget.
You would never be a nameless date in my ever-growing repertoire,
Filed neatly under the name,
“All the ones not meant for me.”

You were different.
You were exhilarating.
When we talked, I actually felt something. I wasn’t just sitting there wondering how much longer I had to wait before I could finally escape and just go home.
Being with you almost felt like home.
Except your door was never unlocked,
Only open slightly.
Just enough to let me in when you wanted me and shut me out when you didn’t.

I am still here waiting to see if it will open again. I still can’t find the key.

I thought I had you all figured out.
I thought I understood the twists and turns and exactly how to get what I wanted.
Dead end.
No outlet.
The directions have gone blurry, and I’m left here spinning. The room is spinning, my mind is spinning, my heart doesn’t even know what to do.

Your door cracks open just enough to shed some light on what I thought I already knew. It is amazing how often what we already knew is actually barely enough to even scrape the surface of the truth.
All I ever wanted was the truth.

We never actually talked about it, and I doubt we ever will.
All you had to offer was an “I wish you would have told me sooner.”
The thing is, I have always told you.
I told you in the way you always made me smile, even on the days I hurt the most.
I told you in the way I always listened to your stories, even when no one else besides me would.
I told you every time we held each other, and I never wanted to let go.
I told you the first night we met, and I took a chance on a stranger.
And I always thought you had been telling me, too.

But now I am not so sure.
Maybe we were following the same directions but in reverse.
You loved me, I faltered.
I loved you, it was too late.
It’s like you knew this was over before it even began.
You ran after me,
So how could you expect me not to do the same? TC mark

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