Standing at the edge of my driveway, watching the snowfall as the tears slide down my cheeks, I realized.
It was never about the snow.
It was always just about me.
All of the problems that I have encountered throughout 2018 have been more to do with my own insecurities than just plain old “bad luck.” I am not saying that some of the emotional abuse and other traumatic incidents of the year are my own fault, but the way in which I have dealt with them is.
Ever since the spring of 2018, I have done nothing but wish it could just be 2019 already. I barely even gave the year a chance to start before I dismissed it as nothing but bad days and empty promises. It was like every time I got close to finally feeling happy and at peace, someone came in and took everything from me.
Whether it was my job berating me or the first person I think I have ever really fallen in love with leaving me, it seemed like I would never be able to catch a break. I couldn’t comprehend why me giving my all to something was not enough to save it.
I am the first to admit that I put other people’s happiness before my own. I never want to see anyone feel the way I have been made to feel countless times throughout my life. If I can be one more person who actually wants to help those around them, why wouldn’t I be? All I want is to be the beacon of light for people that I have always wished that I had. But for me, it seems like I am met with nothing but darkness.
Or maybe that is just how I perceive it. I know that I am so lucky for the friends, family, and life that I have as so many others do not have these same luxuries. It is often just so difficult to remember how lucky you are when everything around you starts to fall apart.
How can a place that I devote my life to treat me this way? And how can people I would do anything for break me like this? We will never really know the motivation behind anyone’s actions, and sometimes, we just have to accept that fact and carry on. You will never be enough for other people because you are not meant to live your life for someone else. You only need to worry about being enough for yourself. You deserve to be loved the way you love everyone else and what better place to start with seeking that love than within yourself?
You could be the most successful person in the world and still feel so inadequate if you cannot recognize your own worth. In today’s turbulent times, being cynical has become far too commonplace. Of course, we are all going to experience anger at some point, but the key is that you cannot make your unhappiness your home. Sometimes letting yourself see the good and enjoy positive experiences is more nerve-racking than settling into your anger and fear; but what has settling ever done for you, besides lead you here? If we all just settled for what was the easiest, there is no telling how many remarkable inventions and people the world as we know it would be without.
When I reflect back about 2018 as a whole, the first thought I always have is that 2018 gutted me. I have had too many days where I have cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and even then, I did not get all of the bad out. Because once I had cried and cried and finally felt like this was my chance to begin again, life came back at me with yet another “lesson” and reminded me that the only thing we can count on in this life is that it will be unpredictable.
I have had my heart broken by a good friend I swore felt the same way about me. I have had my hard work, blood, sweat, and tears trivialized and thrown back in my face as still not being good enough. I have fallen in love and had to fall out of it far before I was ready to. I have had friends cast me aside and make assumptions about me that could not be any further from the truth. I have had so much taken from me and so little given back. You have to wonder, how much more is there to take after all of this is already gone?
Each year we tell ourselves that this is going to be our year, and I wonder if we are not just setting ourselves up for failure with such an attitude that it is either all or nothing. Maybe each day we should tell ourselves that this is going to be our day, whether or not it goes according to plan because even the bad moments will still help shape us. It’s not that we should lower our expectations, it is that we should stop berating ourselves when things don’t go as planned.
You are not the bad things that happen to you, but you are the one who decides how you pick up the pieces and where you go once you have found them all.