It is never easy to come face to face with the words you have been trying to so desperately bury for all of these years. Maybe you have been in denial, or maybe you have known it all along; whatever the case, there will come a day when you have to face it. Things can only stay buried for so long before they start to surface.
You hate yourself. You hate your appearance, and you have never been able to understand why anyone could ever think otherwise. You can pinpoint the exact day you looked in the mirror and told yourself that you were ugly. You forced yourself to pick one feature to fall in love with because you knew that was all you could ever manage. Sometimes even just one thing can be too much.
You have always felt like you were just a little too much. Too emotional, too stupid, too quiet, too ugly, too fat, too strange, and on and on and on. You wonder what it feels like to look in the mirror and not avoid your own eyes; you wonder if it is really true that every day doesn’t have to be a battle and that some people really are at peace with themselves. You cannot decipher if peace is tangible or just another dream not meant for you.
It has always seemed like so many things were not meant for you. Every time you get so close to finally being happy and to finally having what feels right, the universe steps in and rips it right out of your hands. The only person you have ever really loved leaves you, and you will probably always be left wondering why. The job that once made you feel like you were at home no longer feels comfortable, and it is like every day, you fall further and further away from the happiness you have always been after.
They tell you not to give up on your dreams, but nobody tells you how to do that when you have already given up on yourself.
It can become so easy to only work so hard for others when you no longer have faith in your own life to improve. You can only fall so far before you decide to stop trying to get back up. One day you decide to just settle in, and you wrap your despair around you like an old friend. You never stop wondering why your life had to be like this.
This is the most crucial day of your life.
This is the day you have to decide to shake off your despair, no matter how comforting and familiar it may feel. This is the day you have to stand up and fight for a way out of the darkness you have settled in. No one ever said that life would be easy, but often the things that come to us so easily are not necessarily the things that we need the most anyway. Life is difficult, but so, so worth it. There have been so many days where you have felt like this is it, this is the day I finally stop trying, only to wake up the next day and have something wonderful happen.
Maybe you are still waiting on your something wonderful to happen and that is okay. Life is full of bumpy roads and bruised skin, but it is also full of laughter and light and love. Promise me you will stick around after the bruises heal. You never know where the next bumpy road could lead; this could be your turning point and everything you have been waiting for your entire life.
One day you will find what you are looking for, but only if you allow yourself the time to look for it. Take a moment, listen to all of the unkind words being tossed around in your head and then, be done with them. You can lose yourself to them for a moment, but please do not let that moment turn into your entire life.
The hurt will always be a part of your life, but so will the happiness. Choose to live a life where you never lose sight of your joy. Even in life’s darkest moments, remember to always look for the promise of light.