What Happened To Us?

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Nik MacMillan / Unsplash

What happened to us.

We had the most magical beginning to our story only to have the last page ripped out just as we were closing it for good. You literally ran into my life, and now I feel like you couldn’t wait for the moment you could run away for good.

There is nothing more confusing than having someone cut you out of their life once you’ve thought you’ve settled things. Finally, you found some closure, some peace, and you feel like you are in a place to leave the hurt behind and take the step forward into your life’s next big adventure. And then, it happens.

The blocking of me from your life in every way that you could. You never find these things out on good days; sometimes I feel like my life has become the living, breathing definition of “when it rains, it pours.” I wonder if it will ever stop pouring.

I am still not sure if it was something I did or a decision you came to all on your own. Maybe you read something I wrote or maybe you have been planning this all along. Maybe the idea of staying friends with me is too much for you to handle. Maybe I have always been just a little too much for you.

I knew from the beginning that we were damned from the start, but I tried so hard to ignore the inevitable and just carry on. I wanted to see what it was like to truly live in the moment and enjoy each moment for what it was, rather than always be worried about the dark future looming in the distance.

I don’t think I turned out to be the darkness your life needs. I think you have made it clear that I am nothing your life needs. I don’t know if we will ever speak again, but if we do, I hope one day we can talk about all of this. I want to believe so badly that your intentions with me were always good, but every day that assumption becomes less and less likely.

I just wanted you to like me. I just wanted to believe that for once I was finally with someone who treated me the way everyone always told me that I deserved to be treated. I don’t think I deserve any of this. I don’t think I should have to look back on all of these memories from the past months and wonder if any of it was actually real. I don’t think I deserve to feel like I can’t have those happy memories anymore because of the way we ended, and I really don’t think I deserve to feel like this is all my fault.

If I made you upset, I wish you would tell me instead of trying to erase me from your life. You can delete the texts, the social media, every physical trace of someone from your life, but you can’t erase the way they made you feel. I think I’ll always be there, whether or not you want me to be because I don’t think it was just me who felt all of these emotions so deeply. You can only run for so long before everything catches up with you.

I am not pretending that I am incapable of being wrong. I understand that some things I did and said could have gone differently, but the difference is at least I tried to make them right. When you care about someone, you do whatever it takes to allow them to live their best life possible. You don’t just pretend they never happened. You can let them go and let them move on, but you can’t just erase them. The past is the past, but you can’t pretend like you got to your present without it. Whether you like it or not, you met me, and we spent time together and that time isn’t going to go away.

I will always be here, so don’t try to pretend like I’m not. TC mark

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