What you considered therapy, I considered dating. I guess I was wrong for assuming we were speaking the same language and thinking the same things. I hope that I have made your life better and that one day you will see I was definitely someone worth fighting for. We could have had a beautiful friendship, but you have proved to me that is not what you are after.
I do not think I will ever understand what you are after. All I know is that it isn’t me.
There is still a part of me wondering if this is all just a big misunderstanding and that maybe I wasn’t clear enough about my feelings. But this is what they do to you. They say the right words to turn your world upside down so they look like the hero and you the villain. Your manipulation never saved anyone.
I am sick of always feeling like I am the one to blame whenever anything in my life goes wrong. I can always find a way to blame myself without even realizing that the problem was there before I called it out. You knew what you were doing, and I was the one in the dark.
That is one of the scariest things about relationships. No matter how hard you try, you will never know what is going on inside someone’s head. All we can do is hope for the best and believe what they tell us until proven otherwise. I have noticed that there isn’t enough advice on what to do once you are proven otherwise. It is the moment you wish would never happen, unfolding right before you.
I will admit when I first saw it, I laughed. Because once again, my feelings were nothing more than a joke to someone, a way to pass your time until you get to leave this place for good. And after the initial shock passed, I realized that everything I thought I had was gone. And maybe it was never even there in the first place.
That’s s terrifying thought, you know. That everything you have held so close and dear for the past few months might never have been as good as you saw it in your own head. The world around you was unfolding one way while you were busy living it another. At one point, you had to realize that one day your two worlds would collide. One day we wouldn’t be able to keep up the game anymore. Welcome to that day.
Once you are faced with the truth, you have two options of how you can proceed. You can choose to sweep it under the rug and carry on as if you have never seen a thing, or you can choose to stand up for yourself and ask the question: why?
Why would you do this to me? Why would you make me believe I actually meant something to you, like I was special, when all you were doing was collecting girls in different cities so you could live your best life while you uprooted theirs.
Maybe that isn’t what you were doing, maybe you met in a fateful moment like we did. Whatever the case and however it happened, just know that you hurt me deeply, and I am not sure this is something I will get over quickly. If we need to talk, then let’s talk. Don’t tell me we will only to decide I’m no longer worthy of your communication. Maybe right now it seems easier to just push your emotions aside and pretend like I never happened, Iike you never met me, but I believe that one day you will wake up, and you will realize that you can’t always run away from your problems. You can’t cheat the system in every aspect of your life and still expect to wake up feeling good about yourself. You need to open your eyes and realize how lucky you are to have everything around you instead of constantly trying to look ahead for anyone and anything that might be “better” than what you have right now. You can’t treat people like another goal to check off your list. We are more to you than another place to lay your head for awhile; you can’t just come into my life and expect it not to change. You can’t tell someone you are dating and then leave them without saying goodbye. You can’t pretend this never happened because there is another living, breathing person who is living proof of the heart you set on fire.
I am very real, and I am not going anywhere. I think in time there will come a day when you wake up and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be, “What have I done?”