Something about my stretch marks and cellulite brings me peace. It’s like looking in the mirror and finally seeing myself for what I really am: human. I am not my eating disorder, and my eating disorder is not me. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to identify myself without it. It’s always been by my side, in my head, tucked away, always waiting for the moment I was almost able to break free.
It’s always been about trying to be free. Free from the constant nagging voice in my head trying to tell me that what I see in the mirror isn’t right. Free from the eyes that have always lied to me and pushed me away from knowing who I really am.
And free from the way the world has always taught me I’m supposed to hate myself.
I just want to be myself. I want to have more days where I look in the mirror and see my true self reflected back at me. I want to see the girl for who she is and not for all that she is lacking. Some days my thighs may touch, and my scars might stretch further and further but this does not mean that I am less of a woman than I was the day before. Our life is comprised of ups and downs and tiny moments where we swear we will break and never recover, but guess what: you did not break. You are still here, and you are recovering. You are the definition of recovery. There’s no telling when the time will come where the voice finally quiets in your mind or if that time will ever come, but you must know that you are always the one in control.
You are not the girl in the mirror. You are the girl outside of the mirror, living her life to the fullest despite the obstacles she has been forced to overcome.
Your mind will try to trick you on your worst days that you are feeling fat and that this is the source of your problems. Fat is not a feeling, and you must always remember that. Feeling “fat” is just a placeholder for other emotions; when you wake up and your first thought is “today is a fat day,” stop yourself, and identify what it is that is truly wrong. You may be sad, you may be anxious, but you are not fat. Your weight is not who you are, and you cannot let it tell you how you are allowed to spend your day.
Or your life.