I don’t want to carry this anymore.
We are done.
And we have been for years.
But still, every day, you find some way to creep into my mind. Whether I am telling another tale of our tragic end or reminded of the times you made me feel so small, you always find your way back to me.
I know it is not because I want to be with you. I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be with you, like I deserve the hurt you bring me so easily. (I don’t.) I know there is no limit on how long it can take you to get over someone; you aren’t just a step I have to overcome, you are an entire fucking mountain.
And I still don’t think I have really learned how to climb.
You make me wonder if I can be in love with someone without loving them. I believe that loving someone is very different from being in love with them, but until you, I had never considered what it would be like to be in love without loving the other person. He taught me that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them save themselves, and if they won’t save themselves, know that they most certainly will never be able to save you.
No matter how many times he said he was in love with you, you will realize you would never be with him. I loved you, so I left. If I was in love with you, I never would have been able to leave. I just didn’t realize that leaving does not always mean you have found the end.
Sometimes you leave, and you just keep searching and searching to find your end, your person, your reason for going through all of the pain. There will never be a map that can take you to exactly where you need to be to get better or to get over someone because there is not just one way to move on. Sure, there will be some ways that you find that are easier than others. There will be ways that feel better than others, and there will be ways that lead to things far worse than what you have already left behind. That’s the thing, I don’t think we will ever stop searching for that one, magic thing to solve all of our problems. Our lives are just mosaics made up of so many tiny, unique pieces that could be placed a million different ways, each time leaving you with a different picture.
It is all up to you to decide what you want your life to look like. And I have decided that I don’t want it to include you anymore. You have played a major role in my life, and I know that I have become a better person because of it, but it is time to let you go.
I hope one day we can both put the past behind us and live our separate lives filled with love that is real and kind. I hope we can each find someone who teaches us how to be loved by someone who is truly in love with every aspect of your being. I know I deserve it, and you do, too.
And for you, I will keep wondering about the possibility of being in love with someone I’m not sure I can love yet.