I’m Tired Of Trying To Convince My Heart That I Don’t Miss You

Jude Beck

Some days I sit in coffee shops when the rain is falling from the sky and I can hear it hitting off the tin roof. It’s like the sky is opening up and letting out all the emotions it’s been holding on to for too long and it makes me think of you. It makes me think of what we could have been.

I think back to the days we barely knew each other. I think about the beginning of everything, I think about the way I used to feel when we first started talking, the excitement that filled my heart and the way I couldn’t help but say your name to all my friends. I think about the way you spoke so sweetly to me and how you’d always call me on your way home from work asking me to come over.

I think back to how you made me feel and the way you could make me laugh. I think about the way you said my name and how close we got so quickly. I think about the nights we’d share together, hoping morning would never come while we were entangled in your sheets. I think about how I never wanted these feelings to fade.

But then I think about how it ended just as fast as it started – we were like fire and gasoline. I think about that gut feeling I had knowing it was too good to be true but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to pretend we were in our own world and nothing could interfere with what we had going on. But like I’ve found out time and time again, if it seems too good to be true it usually is.

Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if we took it slow. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we didn’t get so wrapped up in each other that we just crashed and burned. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we didn’t find each other when we were lonely because lonely is no place to start.

Sometimes I miss late night talks when I can’t sleep and you cross my mind, I find myself wondering what you’re doing at night. Sometimes I miss hearing your laugh and being your friend. Sometimes I miss waking up to you next to me and kissing you good morning. Sometimes I just miss going on drives with you holding my hand.

Sometimes I just miss you with me.

Sometimes I can’t outrun the sting of loneliness that comes creeping in and sleeps next to me where you used to lay your head.

Part of me thinks about reaching out, about just saying hello but the other part of me is scared that you’ll have moved on, that you’ll have found someone new, that you’ll leave my message unanswered. But I know my heart can’t take another goodbye so I just leave the space between us growing and let the silence continue to be my answer.

We were the epitome of an almost relationship and I know that’s all we’ll ever be, but that doesn’t stop my heart from missing you. It doesn’t stop me from having to convince myself we weren’t good for each other because that time we spent together made me feel alive. Your touch electrified me and your lips on mine made me crazy.

These days I just spend my time trying to convince my heart that I don’t miss you – that I don’t want you – when I’d do anything to get that time back and feel that rush again. But something I’m slowly learning is that sometimes people are just left better as memories.  TC mark

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