I’ve Become Used To Living With The Emptiness Inside My Heart Where Your Memory Lives

 God & Man
God & Man

All the times you randomly come out of the blue I instantly cave in and let every wall I built fall down to make room for your temporary heart. I let you in, I hang on to your words, I want you next to me. It never fails. You are my weakness.

When anyone asks if I have anyone special in my life I instantly think of you. I think of your smile, your hands, your eyes. I think of how much I wish you were with me, how much I wish I could tell the world about you. But I can’t. Because you’re not mine to share.

You’re in your own world, living your own life and doing your own thing, but my god how desperately I wish I was there with you.

I hate that part of me will always want you because if the opportunity presented itself I’m not even sure I would take it. It’s been over a year since I saw your face and touched your skin. It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice and kissed your lips. I don’t even know if I’d still feel the same connection, but I keep convincing myself it’s there in my head.

In my head I’ve convinced myself you’re the one. In my head I’ve made myself believe there’s no one else out there for me besides you. I’ve shut my heart off to the rest of the world just hoping that you’ll call me and tell me you miss me. I just keep hoping you’ll come back to me.

I’ve been so busy comparing everyone to you that I might have missed a chance that was right in front of my face. I’m still holding on to nothing. I know you’re not good for me and I should walk away, but I just can’t. I just can’t look away, I can’t do what’s best, I keep holding on.

You’re all my clichés wrapped up into one. You’re my nicotine, my muse, my biggest downfall, my kryptonite. You’ve got my heart hooked and I can’t break free no matter how hard I try.

I hate that I will always want you because that means I’m technically never free from a man who more than likely will never truly want me. I hate that I will always want you because when someone asks me about “forever” my mind instantly goes to you. I hate that I will always want you because part of me always feels incomplete.

I want to let go, I want to move on, I even partially want to forget you. But I can’t. Every time I wake up next to someone who isn’t you I feel empty. Every time someone presses their lips on mine I feel sad that they aren’t yours. Every time someone tells me they like me, I cringe because they’re not you.

I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know when I’ll be able to completely let you go, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep reminding myself that you’re not the only one out there, that even though they aren’t you doesn’t mean that I can’t love them.

I hate that part of me will always want you, but I’ve become pretty good at living with the emptiness inside my heart where your memory lives. TC mark

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