I think it started before I even recognized it and turned into a bad habit. It started when I fell for the first person I loved; I loved him and I liked to pretend he loved me back, even though now I know he didn’t.
At the time no matter who told me to let him go I just couldn’t. I convinced myself he cared about me, even though he didn’t.
In my young mindset I thought maybe somehow after the four or maybe five years of talking on and off that maybe he could love me, but life never works out the way we hope. He found someone new. After all those years I still wasn’t what he was looking for, she was.
I gave him everything I thought he wanted and it still wasn’t enough.
My heart broke for the first time.
Then it started. I would lose myself in different men, craving their attention, day dreaming they would be the one for me, all the while still hoping they’d never actually want me back because that way I could avoid heartbreak, that way I could avoid something real.
Something in me broke when he didn’t love me back; something in me changed for good.
I started only chasing after boys who I knew could never give me the love I wanted and ran from boys who gave me their heart.
I have a bad tendency to put every ounce of hope inside of me into people who will never love me back. I cling to people who I’m certain will reject me because that way I never have to feel let down because I already know what I’m getting myself into. It’s completely fucked up, but I can’t help it anymore. I convince myself to love people who barely return a text message, people who never reach out, and people who never think of me while I’m constantly thinking of them because the distance makes me feel safer.
But at the same time it makes me feel empty. It makes me feel like I’m glad I’m single because I don’t have to deal with people like this, but the truth is I know I could find someone who actually loves me for me if I opened my heart up a little, but I don’t want to.
Instead I want to keep playing this game. I want to love people from a distance, I want to talk about them like I’ve got a shot and then I want to lose them because they were never mine in the first place. The only thing that scares me more than people leaving are people staying, so I push them away before they have a chance to plant a couple roots in my life.
I can make up this whole scenario in my head without them ever knowing and I can hope for what my life would be like with them.
When I love people who will never love me back I can’t really get hurt because I’m putting myself in this fucked up position from the start. I know nothing will come out of it so I just keep pushing and I just keep trying. I try to make something out of nothing and as badly as I want something to happen, I’m praying inside it doesn’t.
I’m praying it doesn’t progress because if it actually progressed then it becomes real and as soon as it becomes real then your hearts truly on the line. Once it becomes real it means true emotions get put into play and that my heart could get broke again. I don’t want that, I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.
So I just keep playing the game, I keep loving people from a distance, I keep guarding my heart.
I ignore the people I know like me, I start to push them away because the thought of allowing someone in my life romantically scares the shit out of me. The thought of being accepted and loved is terrifying, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over those fears.
Right now I’ll just keep loving people who I’m certain will reject me on a romantic level because that makes it easier for both of us, at least in my book it does.