Thought Catalog

Thank You For Taking A Chance On A Bruised And Beaten Heart

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Tim Stief
Tim Stief

I put my heart through a lot, sometimes I think I intentionally break it myself because I crave the pain.

I need sad songs, I love movies that make me sob and I put myself through torture because I tell myself it’s making me stronger. The pain makes me feel alive in a sick way. It makes me feel something when I feel numb to the world – it makes me feel human.

I convince myself I need to strip myself of things I love in order to experience happiness after the pain.

I’ve never understood why I think the way I do. I’ve never understood what is wrong with me.

Maybe it was my past. Maybe he hurt me more than I know.

It was like a cut you didn’t realize was so deep you needed stitches. It still healed on it’s own, but in a fucked up kind of way that would have been much better with proper care.

I didn’t care for my heart the way I should have, instead I allowed it to bleed. I let it bleed onto paper and I allowed my blood be the ink.

I felt like I didn’t deserve a chance because of the way my mind is, but then you came along.

You came along and you saved me.

You were different, you cared.

You didn’t leave when I thought you would. You kept coming back when I tried to push you away because you knew I didn’t actually want you to leave, you just knew it was my way of protecting myself. I build up walls and keep people out because it’s become my comfort and part of who I am.

But you still stayed.

You loved me through the cuts and bruises and scars. You loved me even though I didn’t heal properly and you loved me through the self-inflicting pain I put myself through. You made me realize that I didn’t have to torture myself over the past and that I am good enough to be loved.

You took every insecurity I kept buried inside my head and you helped me expose them and you helped me overcome them. You taught me that I don’t have to be a certain weight or height or rock a certain look in order to be loved because I am enough just the way I am.

You gave me a chance when everyone else turned their backs, you gave me a chance when everyone else left, you proved me wrong. You proved that you’d stay and for that I have to thank you.

You uncovered the love I had underneath my layers all this time. You took a chance on me when that was all I needed. When most people would leave you stayed and that showed me a lot.

Thank you for loving me through my bruised and beaten heart. TC mark

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Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

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