I need sad songs, I love movies that make me sob and I put myself through torture because I tell myself it’s making me stronger. The pain makes me feel alive in a sick way. It makes me feel something when I feel numb to the world – it makes me feel human.
I convince myself I need to strip myself of things I love in order to experience happiness after the pain.
I’ve never understood why I think the way I do. I’ve never understood what is wrong with me.
Maybe it was my past. Maybe he hurt me more than I know.
It was like a cut you didn’t realize was so deep you needed stitches. It still healed on it’s own, but in a fucked up kind of way that would have been much better with proper care.
I didn’t care for my heart the way I should have, instead I allowed it to bleed. I let it bleed onto paper and I allowed my blood be the ink.
I felt like I didn’t deserve a chance because of the way my mind is, but then you came along.
You came along and you saved me.
You were different, you cared.
You didn’t leave when I thought you would. You kept coming back when I tried to push you away because you knew I didn’t actually want you to leave, you just knew it was my way of protecting myself. I build up walls and keep people out because it’s become my comfort and part of who I am.
But you still stayed.
You loved me through the cuts and bruises and scars. You loved me even though I didn’t heal properly and you loved me through the self-inflicting pain I put myself through. You made me realize that I didn’t have to torture myself over the past and that I am good enough to be loved.
You took every insecurity I kept buried inside my head and you helped me expose them and you helped me overcome them. You taught me that I don’t have to be a certain weight or height or rock a certain look in order to be loved because I am enough just the way I am.
You gave me a chance when everyone else turned their backs, you gave me a chance when everyone else left, you proved me wrong. You proved that you’d stay and for that I have to thank you.
You uncovered the love I had underneath my layers all this time. You took a chance on me when that was all I needed. When most people would leave you stayed and that showed me a lot.
Thank you for loving me through my bruised and beaten heart.