I talk a big talk about being single and actually loving it, and I do. I love being single and I’m not ready to give it up yet.
I absolutely love my freedom. I love only being reliant on myself. I love not having to deal with drama or heartbreak. I love having my own routine, focusing all my attention on my work, family and friends. I like having my own free time and time to myself. I love traveling solo and not worrying about upsetting someone based on my life goals.
I really, really enjoy being single.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared to be forever alone.
It’s always something that lingers in the back of my mind when I’m surrounded by couples or see more of my friends getting engaged and married. It’s not something that consumes my mind, but I can’t deny it passes through.
I’m so confident in being single that I’m scared one day I’ll wake up and realize I’m still alone and my time to spend with someone is getting shorter.
It’s a constant battle and I know I’m still young. I know I still have my whole life ahead of me, but that doesn’t stop the thought from crossing my mind. It doesn’t stop me wishing that every now and then that I had someone to walk beside me and experience the joys of life with. I know there’s still time, there’s still plenty of time, but sometimes it scares me.
I love taking the world on alone, but I still partially wish I had someone to take it on with me.
I wish I had someone to hike to the top of Mount Everest with and scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef with. I wish I had someone to drive down Great Ocean Road with and jump out of a plane with, but instead I do those things on my own.
I don’t have anyone to share those memories with, I don’t have everyone to experience the highest highs and the lows with, I face them alone. I’ve become so comfortable in being alone through all the good and bad times I’m scared I won’t be able to open my heart to let someone in. I’m scared my walls have become so high that pealing them back will be nearly impossible. I’m scared I’m going to keep pushing people away because I don’t know how they’ll honestly be able to love me.
Sometimes I’m scared I’m going to die alone, I’m scared I will wake up and have experienced everything on my own without someone I love by my side.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not loveable. I joke about being forever alone while my friends try to convince me that there’s no way because I’m great, according to them.
Sometimes I get worried I’m not enough or I’m too much of something to be loved, but then I remember I’m not. I remember that I’m happy the way I am and with my life. I realize that I am happy on my own and one day someone might cross paths with me that will change the direction of my world.
Being alone forever is a scary thought because it could be a reality and if you tell yourself being alone doesn’t scare you, you’re lying. No one wants to spend the rest of their life alone because it’s a long trip alone.
Life isn’t meant to be spent solo, but it could be and that scares the hell out of me, since I’m being honest.