I told you I couldn’t love you – maybe it was because I thought that was what you wanted to hear or maybe because the thought of loving you scared the hell out of me.
I didn’t want you to run away at the first sign I gave you that I wanted to stick around and become part of your life. I didn’t want you to do what most do and just leave without warning. I didn’t want to freak you out because I know you were never much of the “relationship type.”
As much as I wanted something more with you I didn’t want to send you running so I just pretended to play it cool. I pretended there was no way I could love you because I figured that’s what you wanted.
I lied to myself to make myself into a person I’m not to try to find a semi-permanat place in your life.
I convinced myself I didn’t need you and that you weren’t what I wanted.
I thought by doing that it would make you stay longer. I thought that maybe if you thought I was just going with the flow that maybe this could work out, but in doing so I only hurt myself.
I lied to myself for your sake, to cover up my heart in order to make you like me and it didn’t work. Playing it causal, trying to be the “cool girl” didn’t work because I’m not a “cool girl.”
Now all I have to do is promise myself I won’t do it again.
I’ll never stow away pieces of my heart in order to make you or anyone else comfortable again. I’ve got a big heart and I love deeply. I get completely wrapped up in a person and I never want to be without them. I tried to hide that part of me for you, to make you comfortable and you know what?
You still didn’t stay.
You still let me walk away unloved because you aren’t a relationship man, but silly me, I thought maybe I could change you. I thought maybe I could be an exception to the rule, but that’s not me. I’m always the rule and never the exception.
I’m done covering up pieces of myself to try to cater to others who probably won’t think twice either way. I’m done trying to be someone I’m not in order to make you more interested. I’m done with all that because I deserve better and now I know that.
I deserve someone who is going to embrace my big heart and love me right back with theirs. I deserve someone who is proud of me and doesn’t think it’s cool to have their heart locked up and untouchable. I deserve someone who can make me feel loved and not like I’m walking on broken glass to please them.
I’m upset that I lied when I said I couldn’t love you, but I’m more upset with myself. I’m more upset that I would try to make myself into someone I’m not to try to make you love me when I was never what you were really looking for.
You can’t make someone love you and you can’t lie to yourself about what you’re feeling.
Love hard and don’t settle for a love that isn’t fulfilling you in every way you need.
Don’t change who you are to try to make someone like you. It’s not worth it.