Try To Find Hope In Desperation

I have a gaping hole in my chest
no matter how much I try to hold the tears back
I can’t
I can’t swallow
I can barely breathe
I feel hopeless
defeated
emotionally destroyed
I want to give up
quit
cry
make it all go away,
but I can’t.
My problems won’t just disappear
I have to face them
deal with them
I can’t run
even though I want to.
I can’t ignore them
but hopefully I can learn
learn for next time
so hopefully there won’t be a next time
learn to be smarter
learn so I can teach others,
so I can teach myself.
Pain hurts,
this hurts and
I don’t think it’s going away
not until things are sorted
not until I can breathe with peace
and sleep with ease,
but I don’t know when that will be.
So until then
I’ll keep wiping the tears from my eyes
calming the anxiety growing in my stomach
swallowing the lumps in my throat
and realize that I actually won’t do any of these things.
Because I can’t control the tears,
the anxiety
or the sickness I feel inside me.
But I’ll let them be a reminder
to appreciate how good things are when they’re good
and to feel the desperation in my heart
when things are bad.
All I can do is hope things will get better
all I can do is keep the faith
and watch as my life unfolds in front of my face
determining my fate.